IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A number of children waste a great deal of
time
Use synonyms
 on their mobile appliances every day. It is possibly because new generations are keen on technological devices for some
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
. From my point of view,
this
Linking Words
 is the biggest issue at our
time
Use synonyms
.
Initially
Linking Words
, the main reason for
this
Linking Words
 addiction is because teenager’s desire for attention. They are interested in social media in order to be noticed by their peers. In fact, they are able to demonstrate dangerous attitudes to gaining more followers or being famous. For all these reasons, in their spare
time
Use synonyms
, they are on the phone and consuming their precious
time
Use synonyms
 just because of the desire to be well-known in a fake world.
For instance
Linking Words
, recently, there was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
news about a young girl who tried to record a dance video on the road. She got out of her car in the traffic and was smashed by a vehicle. It was caused by her reckless behaviour and habit.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 technology’s benefits are undeniably numerous, it has a negative impact on teens. Adults are able to use it to their advantage
whereas
Linking Words
, teenagers are inclined to be under phones’ influence.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, mobile phones affect them not only mentally, but
also
Linking Words
 physically. It causes many medical problems
such
Linking Words
 as disorders of posture, defects in vision and hernia.
For example
Linking Words
, most children start to use glasses at a young age.
To sum up
Linking Words
, phones are a kind of habit for younger because of some reasons I mentioned above and it seems to me that it has a bad impact on them.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that you directly address all parts of the task prompt. Expand on why children spend hours on smartphones and explicitly state if this is a positive or negative development with more comprehensive explanations.
task achievement
Develop your main points further with more specific examples and evidence. This will strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Use a clear, logical structure to organize your essay. Introduce your main points in the introduction, develop them in separate paragraphs in the body, and summarize them in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Connect your ideas with a range of cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, moreover, for instance) and ensure paragraphing is clear and appropriate.
language use
Check your essay for grammatical errors and use a variety of complex structures accurately to enhance your language proficiency.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: