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Band 5.5

Some people believe that children should be taught by their parents about how to function as useful members of society, while others believe that sending children to educational institutions is the best way for them to study this. Although the latter opinion can be beneficial in some cases, I believe that family upbringing plays a more important role in educating children to be good parts of the community.

#people #children #parents #function #members #society #institutions #study #latter #cases #upbringing #role #parts #community
Schools
 can be considered suitable places for
children
 to learn to be good citizens. With standardized educational methods,
schools
 can foster
children
’s cognitive development so that they are able to contribute to society in the future.
For example
, Trung Vuong
school
Capitalize word
School
show examples
 and Vinschool are well known for having nurtured successful alumni
such
 as Professor Ngo Bao,
Professor
Correct word choice
and Professor
show examples
 Nguyen Hung who have devoted their talents to the development of the country.
However
, these people only represent a small fraction of the total number of students attending
schools
, and
thus
 sending
children
 to
schools
 cannot be the best method of educating them to be good members of society. I believe that parents play a more important role in teaching them how to be good citizens. In Vietnam, the average class size is 20 students, which makes it difficult for educators to provide proper schooling for each student.
One to one
Add a hyphen
One-to-one
show examples
 lessons at home,
on the other hand
, allow
children
 to progress faster.
Furthermore
, parents form stronger bonds with their offspring and
thus
, it is easier for them to shape
children
’s personalities at an early age.
For example
, by telling stories
such
 as Robin Hood,
Cinderella
Correct word choice
and Cinderella
show examples
 before bedtime, parents can instil a sense of compassion and integrity into them. These
children
 are likely to become good members of society when they grow up. In conclusion,
although
 sending
children
 to
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 can be seen as a way of teaching them how to be good citizens, I believe that domestic upbringing has a bigger impact on determining who they are in the future.
Submitted by katiakardash07 on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that you provide more specific examples throughout your essay to substantiate your points. This frames your argument in a more concrete and relatable context.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on linking your ideas more smoothly between paragraphs. Using a range of cohesive devices will create a more seamless flow in your essay.
task achievement
Within your essay, take the time to elaborate further on your main points and provide deeper analysis. This will show a more thorough understanding of the topic and help in pushing your score higher.
coherence cohesion
Remember, variety is key. Use a mix of complex sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate linguistic range and accuracy.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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