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Band 4.5

Some people say that advertising is extremely succesfull at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #succesfull #attention
Some
people
 assume that advertising is effective
to convince
Change preposition
in convincing
show examples
people
for buying
Change preposition
to buy
show examples
 the products.
Whereas
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 other individuals believe that nobody
gives
Verb problem
pays
show examples
 attention
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 advertising anymore,
that is
 too common. In
regard
Correct determiner usage
this regard
show examples
, I believe that advertising is still essential. On one hand, there are
people
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
 sure that advertising raises awareness about the
product
Change noun form
product's
show examples
 necessity to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Various
commercials
 can remind
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 what they want.
Furthermore
, with creativity, it can even add what
people
 need even though they did not need before.
For example
, a woman walks to the department store to buy some clothes. On the street, she saw a beauty
products
Fix the agreement mistake
product commercial
show examples
commercials
 that
says
Wrong verb form
said
show examples
: Nurture your skin before it is too late, with crinkles on the face. Suddenly, that woman
realize
Change the verb form
realizes
show examples
 she has to maintain her young face and buy these products. On the one hand,
commercials
are focusing
Wrong verb form
focus
show examples
 on
persuation
Correct your spelling
persuasion
, but they have
shortage
Add an article
a shortage
show examples
 of valuable and practical benefits. Some
people
 only want to use
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 practically, which is based on their substantial necessity. The content of the advertisement fails to abstract them because they do not think they really need the
product
.
For example
, an employee is given an advertisement about a hair pomade gel. He thinks he only
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 shampoo for the basic
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 of his hair, so he sees that the advertisement is irrelevant. From those views, I believe that
commercials
 are still relevant because they are the medium to convey
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
product
 knowledge, benefits, and attraction. With
good
Add an article
the good
a good
show examples
technique
Fix the agreement mistake
techniques
show examples
 of marketing, advertising is effective
to attract
Change preposition
in attracting
show examples
consumes
Replace the word
consumers
show examples
. In conclusion,
people
Correct quantifier usage
some people
show examples
 think that advertising is valuable to raise awareness about the
product
while
 other
people
 assume it does not show realistic benefits. I believe
commercial
Fix the agreement mistake
commercials
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 still useful to attract consumers with great marketing.
Submitted by fifi on

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coherence cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by organizing your ideas and paragraphs in a logical sequence. Make use of a variety of cohesive devices to connect sentences and paragraphs, and ensure that pronouns are clearly referenced.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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