IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that it is fine for professional sportsmen and sportswomen to misbehave on or off the field, as long as they are playing well. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #sportsmen #sportswomen #misbehave #field
There is a plethora of people
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 think sportsmen can behave as they
pleased
Wrong verb form
please
show examples
 on or off the match, round or encounter. These endorsements have led to
presence
Correct article usage
the presence
show examples
naughty
Change preposition
of naughty
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 actions as an idealism for the youth, and
be
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 a
risk
Replace the word
risky
show examples
 decision for
player's
Correct article usage
the player's
show examples
 sponsor. In
this
 essay, I will describe my disagreement with
this
 statement for the aforementioned reasons.
To begin
 with,
fortunately
Add the comma(s)
fortunately,
show examples
 these days sports have become one of the most common ways
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 entertaining.
Also
, kids and teenagers feel attracted when they watch their favourite player winning,
Correct word choice
and considering
show examples
considering
Wrong verb form
consider
show examples
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
hero
Fix the agreement mistake
heroes
show examples
 and a model to live.
Nonetheless
, networks and social media can show what is happening second by second.
Thus
, is usual to see
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
multimedia
misbehavior
Change the spelling
misbehaviour
show examples
that is
 not accepted in society.
For instance
, a football player spitting on the ground in front of the cameras, or even shouting swear words.
As a consequence
, children are becoming more naughty regardless situation.
Secondly
, the sportsmen
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have rude state could affect their own economics and influence,
due to
 businesses are involved in sports, most participants received sponsoring with astonishing profits.
However
, a bad act would ruin their performance
for ever
Correct your spelling
forever
show examples
. As a sample, a boxer who
transgress
Correct subject-verb agreement
transgresses
show examples
 moral standards before and after a fight
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 received all the rejection from fans. He lost his personal brand and his consistency went to the deep without chances for redemption.
To sum up
, being abusive as an athlete could help to win a game. But something more important like
public
Correct article usage
a public
show examples
 figure can destroy a career.
Therefore
, I totally disagree when crowds
allows
Change the verb form
allow
show examples
 and congrats impolite
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, and I recommend to the sportsman readers not
nurture
Fix the infinitive
to nurture
show examples
 that thinking.
Submitted by natalyrau13 on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents your stance on the topic and that the conclusion effectively summarizes the arguments presented.
Logical Structure
Develop a more cohesive essay structure with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, followed by supporting details.
Examples & Support
Include specific and relevant examples to support each main point you make, rather than general statements or hypothetical scenarios.
Idea Clarity & Cohesion
Focus on improving the clarity of your ideas by organizing them logically, using transitional phrases to connect thoughts within and between paragraphs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • misbehave
  • professional sportsmen
  • role model
  • public figures
  • influence
  • performance
  • moral standards
  • media scrutiny
  • endorsements
  • personal brand
  • consistency
  • punishment
  • redemption
  • integrity
What to do next:
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