IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think the government should pay for health care and education, but there is no agreement about whether it is the government’s responsibility. What is your opinion?

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There are controversial perspectives heating up a debate over whether the authorities had better invest in medical care and the educational systems or not.
While
Linking Words
 some claim that making a payment for the
health
Use synonyms
 care system and schooling is a necessity for the governor, the opposite makes a statement that it is the
government
Use synonyms
's liability.
While
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 the former is valid to some extent, I consider myself an advocate of the latter. Without a shadow of a doubt, the
government
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 should pour money into finance for the medical systems and
education
Use synonyms
. The explanation for
this
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 could be that it improves the professional quality and physical
health
Use synonyms
 of the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 workforce in order to the economic development of the country.
For example
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, there is a wealth of fostered economic countries
such
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 as Germany and Holland that provide free-of-charge
education
Use synonyms
 which yields scholarships for a mixed range of students.
Moreover
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, it supplies
health
Use synonyms
 insurance for citizens.
Hence
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, investing in backbone industries is essential for the authorities.
While
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 the necessity of having financial support for a medical system and the educational system
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 widely acknowledged, they don’t make a payment for 2 aspects.
This
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 could be because the
government
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 budget is not enough
due to
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 having to pay for many other issues.
Moreover
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, It is necessary that the citizens make an investment in money because they will be responsible for protecting
health
Use synonyms
 and improving learning quality.
For instance
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, prospering tourism and expanding the entertainment industry are some of the compelling examples of alternative areas that the
government
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 must invest in.
Thus
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, The costs of
education
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 and
health
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 should not be covered completely by the governors. In conclusion,
although
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 financial support for
health
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
 is necessary for the country's economic development, its costs should not be covered entirely by the limited state budget.

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Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Although you mention countries like Germany and Holland, elaborating on how their free-of-charge education and health insurance directly contribute to economic development would strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs. Use connecting phrases and words to link your ideas more clearly and maintain the flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, try to cover all aspects of the prompt more evenly. Although your essay presents a robust opinion, ensuring that you explore the opposing viewpoint more thoroughly could offer a more balanced discussion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • fundamental human rights
  • boosts the country's economy
  • productivity
  • public funding
  • equality and accessibility
  • socio-economic status
  • privatized
  • disparities
  • prioritize
  • people's well-being
  • inefficiencies
  • bureaucratic challenges
  • mixed approach
  • optimize
  • quality
  • availability
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