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Band 5

Wild animals have no place in the 21st century, so protecting them is a waste of resources. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#animals #place #st #century #waste #resources
In the contemporary century, it seems that the large volume
human
Change preposition
of human
show examples
 activities
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 left no space for wild
animals
 to live. Some people supporting privileged human rights contend that it is a waste of
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
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 protecting wild
animals
. I completely disagree either from
Correct article usage
a humanism
show examples
humanism
Replace the word
humanist
show examples
 or materialism point of view. From
Correct article usage
a materialism
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materialism
Replace the word
materialistic
show examples
 point of view, protecting wild
animals
 will
also
 bring benefits to
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
 owing to the conservation of their living habitats.
For example
,
rainforest
Fix the agreement mistake
rainforests
show examples
 and
ocean
Fix the agreement mistake
oceans
show examples
 are two basic habitats for land and marine
animals
. Protecting
rainforest
Fix the agreement mistake
rainforests
show examples
 can lower the explosion of
green house
Correct your spelling
greenhouse
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 gas and decelerate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
climate change. At the same time, protecting
ocean
Correct article usage
the ocean
show examples
, the majority water resource on
earth
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can
also
 limit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
over-exploitation, rendering
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
large pollution detrimental to human physical health. From
Correct article usage
a humanism
show examples
humanism
Replace the word
humanist
show examples
 point of view,
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 should not be given the privileged right to be the only
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 living on the
earth
, meaning that maintaining biological diversification is our responsibility.
Firstly
, we are responsible for the extension of the
earth
Change noun form
earth's
show examples
 civilization. By extending the generations of wild
animals
, the history of
earth
Correct article usage
the earth
show examples
 could be well preserved, a beneficial practice in turn will bring invaluable research
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
 for proceeding generations of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
Second,
propagating
Correct article usage
the protecting
show examples
protecting
Replace the word
protection
show examples
wild
Change preposition
of wild
show examples
animal
Fix the agreement mistake
animals
show examples
 can spread
correct
Correct article usage
the correct
show examples
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 adolescents. By emphasizing the importance of respecting every life on
earth
, they will raise awareness of showing respect not only to
animals
 but
also
 to anyone who does not have unearned privilege. In conclusion, protecting wild
animals
 is not a waste of time or money.
Conversely
, it is a paramount initiative for protecting the environment, extending the civilization of
earth
 and spreading the educational benefit to
our
Change the word
the
show examples
 next generation.
Submitted by erminelyu on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central theme which is elaborated upon with supporting details and examples. Try to provide more specific examples to illustrate your points.
task achievement
While you have addressed the topic and provided relevant arguments, you could enhance your essay by including a wider range of specific, concrete examples to support your points. This would strengthen your task achievement score.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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