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Band 7

Governments prohibiting the underage children for getting fulltime jobs in certain countries. Do you agree or disagree?

#governments #children #fulltime #jobs #countries
The minimum
age
 required for work has been an issue. Some councils agree to create a law that prevents adolescents from getting
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
. I definitely agree with
this
 movement because of important reasons.
First,
it limits students to explore higher education.
Second,
considering their
age
, they are vulnerable to
accept
Wrong verb form
accepting
show examples
 unfair treatment from the company.
This
 essay will
further
 explain why we should support
this
 statement before reaching a conclusion.
First,
having experience working for the industries can influence them to stop pursuing formal school.
For example
, an experimental study conducted in Indonesia shows a result; if someone is already satisfied with their salary, they would not be motivated to attain another degree even though it can give them a better life. By
this
 explanation, normalizing industries hiring young labour means we don't support them to get a proper life in the future. On top of that, with their limited knowledge and experience in the industry, they would be prone to receive unfair treatment from their company.
For instance
, if they do not understand about minimum salary law, they won't realize that they do not get enough pay.
Moreover
, considering they are youth generations, their huge energy is likely to be exploited.
This
 is another explanation for why it is crucial to regulate the recruitment procedure. In conclusion, young people must avoid getting an occupation before reaching the minimum
age
 in order to give them time to pursue a higher degree and protect themself from getting unwanted treatment.
In addition
, at their
age
, they should be at either university or school to obtain a better future life.
Therefore
, the council's regulation which doesn't allow young generations to take a job is a wise decision.
Submitted by farrandyerza on

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task achievement
Work on developing your main points with more detailed examples and evidence to strengthen your argument and to make your response more complete. Try to include statistics, studies, or anecdotes that are directly relevant to the topic at hand.
coherence cohesion
Improve the connection between your ideas by using a wider range of linking words and phrases that demonstrate the relationship between your points. Avoid repetition and ensure that paragraphs are well-sequenced and logically progress from one idea to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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