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Writing Samples
Band 7

In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customers travel to large shopping centre or malls to do their shopping. Is this a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
There is a clear indication that small local shops have gone bankrupt
due to
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 a huge portion of customers preferring to buy from large shops or malls. From my standpoint,
this
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 is a negative development
due to
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 various drawbacks,
such
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 as an increase in unemployment, a surge in poverty rate, and a rise in countries' fund allocation.
Body paragraph 1
One prominent problem that could happen because of the closing of small local stores is an increase in the unemployment rate.
In other words
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, when a shop is bankrupt, they will not need the service of their workers again and lay off all the workers. Ultimately,
this
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 would make the people jobless and the proportion of the unemployed population would surge as well.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, another issue is the increasing percentage of poverty within the nation.
For instance
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, a huge layoff phenomenon
due to
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 stores closing could cause massive damage to citizens. Especially for those people who rely on the job to support their family and make a living on a day-to-day basis.
Thus
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, individuals are forced to sell their property,
such
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 as their home to be able to support their needs. In the end, the possibility of them being homeless is foreseeable.
Body paragraph 3
Finally
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, after the occurrence of various issues, the nation could directly take a huge hit.
In other words
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, a nation is responsible for the welfare of its citizens, including providing basic necessities and general care. In order to do so, they need to give funds to those populations,
however
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, with the rise of poverty they need to make huge money allocations.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the closing of small local shops has contributed greatly to negatives to the society and government.
Thus
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, I believe that
this
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 is not a positive trend and the government should help the small stores to make them competitive in today's era.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on creating a more natural flow within the essay. Transition words should be used effectively between sentences and paragraphs to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next. Make sure that the introduction and conclusion encapsulate the argument clearly and that they are distinctive sections of the essay. Adequate paragraphing also contributes to the logical structure, so ensure each paragraph deals with one main idea and is well-developed before moving onto another point.
task achievement
To enhance task achievement, ensure that the response covers all parts of the prompt. Develop your argument with a balanced discussion that acknowledges both sides of the issue, leading to a reasoned conclusion. Include more specific examples to substantiate your points and demonstrate an understanding of the topic. Make sure that your essay fully addresses the question and remains on topic throughout, with a conclusion that reflects the depth of the discussion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumer habits
  • retail landscape
  • variety
  • convenience
  • employment opportunities
  • local economy
  • facilities
  • extract
  • community feel
  • entrepreneurship
  • economic diversity
  • traffic congestion
  • environmental issues
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