IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experiences.

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Recently, the debate on whether
competition
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 should exist other than
cooperation
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 in
work
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 study has been heated.
While
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 some people believe that
competition
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 is desirable for innovation, others claim that
cooperation
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 would enhance efficiency. As far as I am concerned, collaboration should be encouraged.
This
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 essay will examine both sides and elaborate on my view.
To begin
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 with,
competition
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 between rivals could promote the generation of innovation. Since
competition
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 encourages firms to outperform one another, fierce
competition
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 between businesses or academics is more likely to develop new ideas for their target.
For instance
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, the rapid growth of artificial intelligence is facilitated by a range of technological industries’
competition
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.
As a result
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, it extremely encourages the flourishes in innovations.
On the other hand
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,
cooperation
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 greatly increases the efficiency in mission accomplishment. When firms are cooperating with one another, each of them can
work
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 on the tasks they specialise in.
As a result
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, collaboration leads to a better allocation of resources and a more appropriate task division at
work
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. If a company only focus on competing with others on a meaningless target, it is better to associate with others to pursue a better objective. In
this
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 case, those who aim for
cooperation
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 are more likely to get better results and effects than
competition
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. In conclusion, competing can stimulate innovative creation.
However
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, it is more rational to cooperate in study and
work
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 , which can raise efficiency to a higher level.
Thus
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, I believe people should collaborate with each other rather than competing.

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task response
Write about the right topic. Your essay talks about competition and cooperation, but the task is about sharing information. This hurts task response a lot.
task response
Answer all parts of the question more clearly. Discuss both views of sharing information, then give your own opinion in a direct way.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The AI example is a bit general and not linked well to the given topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good. Keep this structure.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a more natural way. Some sentences are hard to follow, and a few links feel forced.
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point more fully. Add one more sentence to explain how and why each idea is true.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your main ideas are easy to see because each body paragraph has one focus.
task response
You give both sides and your own view, which is a good essay pattern.
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