In some countries today, children are taught from a young age that competition is important and that winning is everything. Is this a positive or a negative development?
In the modern world, a few countries have taught minors from a young age that
competition
is fundamental and winning is everything. From my standpoint, this
is a negative development due to
various reasons, such
as a highly competitive society, a rise in suicidal rates, and a decrease in population growth.
One prominent problem is the creation of a competitive society. In other words
, by teaching minors with the "winning" and "competition
" mentality, they will be forced to always work hard in the early years to get something. Therefore
, in the long run, this
will contribute to the creation of a competitive environment, where children are forced to study and get better jobs. In the end, deprived them of the freedom to play with their peers.
Secondly
, another issue is an increasing suicidal rate, especially among individuals below 18. For instance
, in most developed countries that have high competition
between youngsters, such
as Japan and South Korea. The youngsters often experience depression due to
academic pressure, thus
, leading to suicide. Hence
the proportion of suicide cases is big since it is a common occurrence.
Finally
, those various problems have greatly impacted the
individuals with traumatic experiences.
Correct article usage
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As a result
, the majority of people will opt to improve their careers until they get older rather than getting married. As a result
, population growth will be hit by a major sharp drop.
In conclusion, the drawbacks of teaching youngsters the mindset of "winning" and "competition
" are abundance. Thus
, this
is not a positive development.Submitted by alyarachmadivaa on
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task achievement
Include a clearer thesis statement in the introduction that directly addresses the question of whether the development is positive or negative. State your opinion more explicitly.
task achievement
Work on expanding your ideas by giving more detailed explanations and showing how they connect to the opinion presented in the thesis statement. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and fully elaborated supporting details.
task achievement
Try to include real-world examples or data to back up your claims. This adds strength to your argument and shows an understanding of the issue beyond personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a logical flow by using connectors and transition phrases between sentences and paragraphs. Also, be cognizant of paragraph structure; begin with a topic sentence, follow up with supporting details, and conclude with a summarizing or linking sentence.
coherence cohesion
Check for grammatical errors and improve sentence structure for clarity and variety. Simple and clear language is often more effective than overly complex sentences.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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