IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
Nowadays, obesity
have
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has
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 become a problem for
majority
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the majority
a majority
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 of people. Some argue that
whether
Correct word choice
apply
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the most efficient method to solve
this
 issue is to raise
prices
Correct article usage
the prices
show examples
 of unhealthy foods. Personally, I firmly agree with
this
 stance, the following content will outline the reasons.
Firstly
, the
price
 is the most crucial factor which enormously
affect
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affects
show examples
 consumers'
preference
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preferences
show examples
. Most fast
food
 restaurants,
such
 as KFC, McDonald and Hungry Jack, use cheaper
prices
 and large
amount
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amounts
show examples
 of
food
 to attract buyers. These strategies not only efficiently bring numerous
of
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apply
show examples
customers to eat their
food
 but
also
 reduce the production cost during the process which
offer
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offers
show examples
 greater benefits to these brands.
However
, low
quality
 and large
amount
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amounts
show examples
 of
food
is
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are
show examples
 detrimental to buyers' health
condition
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conditions
show examples
.
As a result
, raising the
price
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unhealthy
food
 can make it less preferable to customers and force fast
food
 brands to change their
productions
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production
show examples
. Most fast
food
industry
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industries
show examples
 use
low
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low-quality
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quality
 ingredients which might have negative impacts on
human
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the human
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 body.
Hence
,
by
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apply
show examples
forcing producers of foods to increase the selling
price
 can indirectly encourage them to use
Add an article
a higher
show examples
higher
Add a hyphen
higher-quality
show examples
quality
of
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apply
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ingredients.
For example
, a lower
price
 product
currently
Add a missing verb
is currently
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 regarded as competitive,
nevertheless
, if every brand
are
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is
show examples
 forced to raise their
prices
 to the same number, the
quality
 and health value would become the elements which are more vital to influence consumers' preference.
Therefore
, increasing
prices
 can only
haave
Correct your spelling
have
 a positive influence on
food
 providers to enhance their products. Generally, raising
price
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prices
show examples
 has positive impacts on both consumers and
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
 industry, the former can obtain healthier
food
 and the latter can raise their products'
quality
. Of these, I strongly believe the higher
price
 of fattening foods is an essential policy.
Submitted by chaoweikevin on

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Task achievement
Make sure to provide a clear topic sentence for each paragraph that directly relates to the main question, ensuring all parts of the prompt are addressed.
Task achievement
Ensure that examples are specific and directly linked to your argument to demonstrate how increasing the price of fattening foods can address the obesity issue.
Coherence and cohesion
Work on the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by adding linking words and phrases. This will improve the essay's cohesion.
Coherence and cohesion
Proofread the essay for grammatical errors and edit them to enhance the overall clarity of your communication.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
What to do next:
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