IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, obesity
have
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has
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 become a problem for
majority
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the majority
a majority
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 of people. Some argue that
whether
Correct word choice
apply
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the most efficient method to solve
this
Linking Words
 issue is to raise
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prices
Correct article usage
the prices
show examples
 of unhealthy foods. Personally, I firmly agree with
this
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 stance, the following content will outline the reasons.
Firstly
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, the
price
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 is the most crucial factor which enormously
affect
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affects
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 consumers'
preference
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preferences
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. Most fast
food
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 restaurants,
such
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 as KFC, McDonald and Hungry Jack, use cheaper
prices
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 and large
amount
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amounts
show examples
 of
food
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 to attract buyers. These strategies not only efficiently bring numerous
of
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apply
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customers to eat their
food
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 but
also
Linking Words
 reduce the production cost during the process which
offer
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offers
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 greater benefits to these brands.
However
Linking Words
, low
quality
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 and large
amount
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amounts
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 of
food
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is
Change the verb form
are
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 detrimental to buyers' health
condition
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conditions
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.
As a result
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, raising the
price
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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unhealthy
food
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 can make it less preferable to customers and force fast
food
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 brands to change their
productions
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production
show examples
. Most fast
food
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industry
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industries
show examples
 use
low
Add a hyphen
low-quality
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quality
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 ingredients which might have negative impacts on
human
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the human
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 body.
Hence
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,
by
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apply
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forcing producers of foods to increase the selling
price
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 can indirectly encourage them to use
Add an article
a higher
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higher
Add a hyphen
higher-quality
show examples
quality
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
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ingredients.
For example
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, a lower
price
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 product
currently
Add a missing verb
is currently
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 regarded as competitive,
nevertheless
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, if every brand
are
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is
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 forced to raise their
prices
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 to the same number, the
quality
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 and health value would become the elements which are more vital to influence consumers' preference.
Therefore
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, increasing
prices
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 can only
haave
Correct your spelling
have
 a positive influence on
food
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 providers to enhance their products. Generally, raising
Use synonyms
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 has positive impacts on both consumers and
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food
Correct article usage
the food
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 industry, the former can obtain healthier
food
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 and the latter can raise their products'
quality
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. Of these, I strongly believe the higher
price
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 of fattening foods is an essential policy.

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Task achievement
Make sure to provide a clear topic sentence for each paragraph that directly relates to the main question, ensuring all parts of the prompt are addressed.
Task achievement
Ensure that examples are specific and directly linked to your argument to demonstrate how increasing the price of fattening foods can address the obesity issue.
Coherence and cohesion
Work on the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by adding linking words and phrases. This will improve the essay's cohesion.
Coherence and cohesion
Proofread the essay for grammatical errors and edit them to enhance the overall clarity of your communication.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
What to do next:
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