IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

It is undeniable that containing high levels of
sugar
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 in manufacturing food and drink products leads to several health diseases
such
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 as diabetes or obesity.
While
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 I agree that making sugary
items
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 more expensive is a good
way
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 to encourage consumers to utilise less
sugar
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, it is not enough to prevent consumers from eating sweet, and I believe the government should educate the public to be aware of the consequences of consuming sugary products.  On the one hand, increasing the prices of food and drink products makes
people
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 avoid overusing sweets.
In other words
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, if the sweet goods are very expensive, eaters will not eat frequently, and
this
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way
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 controls the use of
sugar
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.
For example
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,  many manufacturing companies in Singapore have raised the prices for sweet foods and drinks,
such
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 as chocolate or energy drinks, and a survey noticed that there is a significant decrease in the consumption of sugary goods, and the rates of obesity and diabetes.
Thus
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,  it shows that it is an efficient
way
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 of encouraging
people
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 to avoid causing health problems by eating sweets.
However
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, in the long run, raising the price of confectionery goods alone is insufficient to prevent
people
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 from eating sweetened
items
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, and they should be educated to be aware of the consequences of overusing sweets.
For instance
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, the community centre in Singapore has held programs to enlighten the local community about the risk of eating
sugar
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, which can lead to several diseases,
such
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 as even cancers. In
this
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way
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, they can control their usage by having enough knowledge. 
To conclude
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, making more expensive of the confectonery
items
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 is a good
way
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 of keeping consumers from eating less
sugar
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.
Nevertheless
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, I believe that combining education to raise awareness will help
people
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 to control themselves and avoid using too many sweetened
items
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.

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task
Make the main view clear in the first paragraph. State your position and why you think it.
coherence
Use more linking words to show how ideas are tied, such as 'also', 'but', 'however', and 'for example'.
task
Give stronger and more exact examples. Explain how price change can make people buy less, and what not, and check facts.
language
Check spelling and grammar. Some words are not correct or fit here. Use simple, clear sentences.
strength
The writer shows a clear view and keeps it with price and education.
strength
The use of example from Singapore helps to show a link between price and sugar use.
strength
The essay uses linking phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'However' to join ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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