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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays many people prefer to study or live in foreign countries. While studying and living abroad brings many benefits to individuals, it also has a number of disadvantages. What are the advantages and disadvantages of leaving your country to live or study abroad? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #study #countries #individuals #country
Nowadays a lot of
people
 like to study or live in another
country
. Meanwhile studying and living abroad brings many benefits to
people
 as better education, but it
also
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 amount of disadvantages like
clash
Correct article usage
a clash
show examples
 of
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 which can lead to depression. I believe that
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
. The main advantage is to have
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 education in another
country
. Many
people
 want to move abroad and study there because they want to have
well
Correct word choice
more
show examples
 knowledge than in their own
country
. Students choose the best university to go in. After they had
best
Change the article
the best
show examples
 knowledge they
able
Add a missing verb
were able
show examples
 to have great job
oppotunity
Correct your spelling
opportunities
.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 have
some
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 relative
his
Correct pronoun usage
whose
show examples
 name is Nursultan and he moved to Singapore after he graduated from 11 grade, to learn
Correct article usage
a bachelor
show examples
bachelor
Change noun form
bachelor's
show examples
 degree there.
After
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
4 years ago he graduated
university
Change preposition
from university
show examples
 with great results with having red diploma.
As a result
 of
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 education he he was accepted for a job with
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 salary. Moving to another
country
 can lead to depression and you can have some clash of
culture
.
This
 can happen because you
were
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 living in
exact
Correct article usage
an exact
show examples
country
 your whole
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 and of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
 it will be hard to accept another
country
's
culture
 and their own rules. You will go through
adaptational
Correct article usage
an adaptational
show examples
 period.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was living abroad for
year
Add an article
a year
show examples
, and at
first
Add a comma
first,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was lost
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 of
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 in my surrounding and the rules that
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
.
People
's comprehension was different compared with mine, it was hard for me to communicate with them.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 in 3 months
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 got used to it
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
people
tent
Correct your spelling
tend
show examples
 to get used to anything in 3
month
Change to a plural noun
months
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
 moving to another
country
 can lead to
clash
Add an article
a clash
the clash
show examples
 of
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 which is hard to go through,
however
 living in another
country
 can open doors to your bright future.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance your score, focus on constructing clear and well-organized paragraphs. Each paragraph should contain one main idea and supporting sentences that expand on that idea cohesively.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a more engaging introduction and a conclusive conclusion that summarizes your points effectively. Ensure your essay has a clear opening, body, and closing section to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Support your main points with more developed examples and explanations. Aim to include at least one specific and detailed example per advantage or disadvantage to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Ensure you fully address the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages with equal measure and depth. It seems like the disadvantage was not covered as thoroughly as the advantage.
task achievement
Strive to present clear and comprehensive ideas by avoiding vague statements. Each point you make should be well explained and directly related to the question prompt. Be precise in the way you convey your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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