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Band 6

Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace. Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #technology #people #work #workplace #mobility
In the modern era, many
people
 believe that technological development has many benefits because it makes us
work
 outside the office.
However
, opinions are divided over whether the merits of information technology supersede the demerits. Personally, I believe that working outside their workplace increases
work
 efficiency. There are clearly a few demerits of working anywhere they want. For business
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
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, the most notable one is that they can not make a close rapport with their co-workers. Because they do not communicate frequently about their daily lives and they can not spend time often after leaving the office.
Due to
this
 reason, some
people
 feel disconnected from them.
Moreover
, sometimes glitches can happen
such
 as unstable internet connections and software problems.
For
this
 reason, the video conferencing can not flow well.
Furthermore
, if they do vocational training for their colleagues online, it does not convey their meaning exactly. In spite of the above-mentioned views, some
people
 assert that business efficiency is improved. Because they do not spend their time on the street commuting
this
 problem reduces
people
's mental and physical pain and reduces costs in money.
As a result
, they can concentrate more on their tasks. A closer examination reveals that some jobs
such
 as video editors, software developers, etc do not have to
work
 at the office because they just only need their devices
such
 as laptops.
Last
 but not least,
people
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
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flexible working
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
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 so their
work
 satisfaction increases. Considering the above views,
it is clear that
, though there are some negative aspects to their works, the merits will continue to outweigh the demerits.
Submitted by wowoo04066 on

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Introduction and Conclusion
Your essay provides a good introduction and conclusion, aligning well with IELTS expectations. Consider creating a stronger link between them by summarizing key arguments more explicitly in the conclusion.
Task Achievement
While you have clearly presented arguments for both sides, your essay could be improved by offering more varied and specific examples to support your points. Doing so would make your arguments more persuasive and comprehensive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay could benefit from better paragraph management. Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and ensure that subsequent sentences support that topic directly. This makes your argumentation clearer and more compelling.
Logical Structure
To improve logical structure, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., however, moreover, in contrast) more effectively to link your ideas and arguments across the essay. This will enhance its readability and coherence.
Supported Main Points
Try to deepen the analysis of each point. Instead of just listing the advantages and disadvantages, explore the implications and significance of these points in more detail. This depth will enhance your essay's persuasive power.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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