IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.

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There are many factors to gain
happiness
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 in life. Most
people
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 think that
happiness
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 comes from
money
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,
while
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 others believe that
happiness
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 is not related to
money
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explain that
money
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 can buy many
things
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 to make
people
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 happy, even though joy can
also
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 come from the environment. The first thing to consider is if
people
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 have enough
money
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, they can buy many
things
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 they need.
For example
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, someone who loves cars will buy many kinds of vehicles because they will satisfy them, and of course,
this
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 hobby costs millions of dollars.
Also
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,
people
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 who love travelling, cooking, or reading need funds to buy the
things
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 they want. It seems clear that the more wealth humans have, the more
happiness
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 they will get.
On the other hand
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, some parts of our society believe that
money
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 does nothing with
happiness
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 because
happiness
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 comes from our environment.
For instance
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, poor kids will be happier than rich kids because they have a happy family and friends that rich kids don’t have. It is because when the parents have a high salary, they will have more responsibility in their jobs, so they will have less time to spend with their children.
As a result
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,
this
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 situation makes the children feel lonely and alone, far from happy. In conclusion,
although
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 wealth can buy many
things
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 to make humans happy, love and affection from
people
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 around us are
also
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 essential to make life more comfortable.
In addition
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,
people
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 should balance their time to gain more cash and their time to socialize with their surroundings.

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task achievement
The essay provides a reasonable discussion of both views, however, there is room to explore the topics in more depth. Try to develop a more nuanced argument by providing clear and elaborated examples, and offer a more in-depth analysis of the ways in which money might relate to happiness.
coherence cohesion
Although there is a logical flow, transitions between sentences and ideas could be smoother. Add more cohesive devices and vary your sentence structures to guide the reader more effectively through your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • diminishing returns
  • materialism
  • personal growth
  • mindset
  • self-worth
  • social status
  • philanthropy
  • well-being
  • experiences
  • generosity
  • fulfilling
  • reduces stress
  • escalate
  • acquiring wealth
  • sense of security
  • comparative wealth
  • excessive focus
  • leisure activities
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