In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
As the ageing
population
increases, many people
think that it leads to some problems for society
.
However
, I consider that there are some positive impacts on the development of society
.
First of all, the ageing population
makes
some negative effects Verb problem
has
such
as the burden of
Change preposition
on
the
Correct article usage
apply
society
.
Compared to the young people
, the elderly who are retired don't need to work
, which result
in the reduction of the taxation. Correct subject-verb agreement
results
Therefore
, the government have less money to built
or renovate the public Wrong verb form
build
fanclities
, which may decline the happiness of the residents. Correct your spelling
facilities
Furthermore
, there is no doubt that elderly people
is
Change the verb form
are
easier
to be Correct word choice
more likely
illness
. Replace the word
ill
For
this
reason, the workload of the doctors and the nurse
will Fix the agreement mistake
nurses
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
a
dramatically increase Correct article usage
apply
so that
Correct word choice
apply
it
may Correct pronoun usage
which
boot
Verb problem
put
work
pressure among
those Change preposition
on
people
. Consequently
, the ageing population
may cause the borden
of the government and Correct your spelling
burden
also
the hospital.
On the contrary
, it is obviously
that there are many benefits Change the word
obvious
on
Change preposition
to
ageing
Add an article
the ageing
an ageing
population
. Due to
a long time on work
and life, the elderly show more experience and education from their lives, which enables to
be taught and iheritented to the next generation. Correct pronoun usage
them to
Additionally
, the elderly have enough free time from retirement life so that they can help young people
who are busy with work
bring up and take care of the children.
Besides
this
, they also
have more savings to travel around the country, which stimulates the consumption during the travelling and also
improves the local economy. Therefore
, the ageing population
not only makes the culture iheritant
Correct your spelling
inheritance
,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
helps the
Correct article usage
apply
economy
development.
In conclusion, the ageing Replace the word
economic
population
has some negative effects, but I still think that it shows
more positive impacts Verb problem
has
for
Change preposition
on
society
.Submitted by 351668116 on
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Task Achievement
Ensure a balance in the development of arguments for both sides of the issue to maintain objectivity; your essay reflects a persuasive argument but could benefit from a more balanced consideration.
Coherence & Cohesion
Incorporate a wider variety of transition phrases to enhance the logical progression of ideas and arguments throughout your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider revisiting punctuation and noun-verb agreement rules for a smoother flow of sentences.
Task Achievement
Try to introduce more specific examples or data to support your points, as this strengthens your argument by providing concrete evidence.
Structure
Your introduction and conclusion are well-defined and effectively outline the essay's main points and your stance, providing a clear roadmap for the reader.
Task Achievement
You've made a commendable effort in discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population, demonstrating your ability to engage with the topic comprehensively.
Engagement
Your enthusiasm for the topic and commitment to arguing your perspective are evident, which makes for an engaging read.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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