Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.
A great number of people thought, having a lot of
money
is essential for being fortunate. While
a handful of other people believe that, there is no relation between wealth and good luck. In my opinion, payment is one of the most effective factors to approach happiness. However
, there are so many other factors to help us achieve good luck and happiness.
Firstly
, it is clear that
having a low economic situation is the source of too many problems , and we can see the bad effect of a bad economy in today's life
. For doing
everything we need cash Change preposition
To do
for instance
,
if we want to continue our education we have to pay bills, if we need to go to the hospital and need medical care we have to pay for them, even if we want to provide primary activity stuff we need to pay. Remove the comma
apply
Hence
, for having
a comfortable and relaxed soul with fewer headaches and problems we must build a high economic situation.
Change preposition
to have
On the other hand
, in this
,world there are a high number of things which are base for happiness and we are unable to afford or achieve them without a salary. To have a clear example of it, love, trust, honesty and
etc .These are things that we can not get from Correct word choice
apply
money
. Moreover
, there is some other stuff that needs both money
and our talent and skills, for instance
, education. We might be able to go to the top university with money
but if we do not have the intelligence to continue , it would not work. While
having good knowledge besides
property is the key to a good life
.
In conclusion, being wealthy can help us to solve a lot of problems in life
, but money
is not the only key to a successful and happy life
.Submitted by ishanisachithra3 on
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Task Achievement
Make sure to provide a balanced discussion of both views presented in the prompt. The essay leans heavily towards the importance of money without giving equal consideration and development to the view that money is not necessary for happiness.
Task Achievement
Develop the paragraph that discusses the view opposing yours more fully. It currently reads as less convincing and underdeveloped compared to the paragraph that supports your view.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve essay coherence by better organizing your ideas and using a variety of linking words to connect them. The current structure lacks clear transition between points, which can confuse readers.
Coherence & Cohesion
Refine your use of topic sentences to outline the main point of each paragraph. This will help create a clearer argument structure and enhance reader understanding.
Task Achievement
Provide specific, relevant examples to support your arguments. This essay would benefit from the inclusion of concrete examples that illustrate the points made, particularly in the paragraphs discussing happiness without money.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?