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Writing Samples
Band 5

The graph shows the number of visitors to four international museums between 1980 and 2015.

The graph shows the number of visitors to four international museums between 1980 and 2015.
#visitors #four #museums
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The line graph provides information about the
number
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 of
visitors
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 who visit international
museums
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 from 1980 to 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the
number
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 of
Louvre
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visitors
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 slightly grew between 1980 and 2015.
while
Linking Words
 there was a significant increase in the
number
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 of
visitors
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of
Change preposition
to
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Vatican
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Museums
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 for the same period.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
number
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 of
visitors
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 who visit
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London
Correct article usage
the London
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Science
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Museum
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steady
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steadily
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 decreased over
35-years
Correct your spelling
35 years
whereas
Linking Words
 there was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
little change in the
number
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 of
Shenzhen
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Museum
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visitors
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 over 35 period
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
. Looking at the
visitors
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 of
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Louvre
Correct article usage
the Louvre
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 in more detail, it can be seen that it was about
7millions
Correct your spelling
7 million
 in 1980 compared to around
5millions
Correct your spelling
5 million
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
Vatican
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Museums
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 of
visitors
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, approximately
4.1millions
Correct your spelling
4.1 million
 of
London
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Science
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Museum
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visitors
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 and roughly
2.9millions
Correct your spelling
2.9 million
 of
Shenzhen
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Museum
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visitors
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. The second worth pointing out is that the
number
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 of
visitors
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of
Change preposition
to
show examples
Shenzhen
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Museum
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 gradually fell until 2000, reaching
at
Remove the preposition
apply
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nearly
2.5millions
Correct your spelling
2.5 million
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the figure for
visitors
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of
Change preposition
to
show examples
Vatican
Use synonyms
Museums
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 changed
while
Linking Words
 the
number
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 of
Vatican
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Museums
Use synonyms
visitors
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 showed a jump from about
5millions
Correct your spelling
5 million
 to around
7.9millions
Correct your spelling
7.9 million
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there was a sharp drop in
Add an article
the figure
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figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
 for
visitors
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of
Change preposition
to
show examples
Use synonyms
London
Correct article usage
the London
show examples
Science
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Museum
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. Turning to
result
Correct article usage
the result
show examples
, it can be seen that the
number
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 of
visitors
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
Use synonyms
Louvre
Correct article usage
the Louvre
show examples
 was higher than others in 2015 at about
9millions
Correct your spelling
9 million
, which was the highest point in
this
Linking Words
 graph.
To sum up
Linking Words
, the
number
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 of
visitors
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
Use synonyms
Louvre
Correct article usage
the Louvre
show examples
 was higher than others from the beginning to the end.
while
Linking Words
 the figure of
visitors
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of
Change preposition
to
show examples
Shenzhen
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Museum
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 was lower than
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 three international
museums
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 at the beginning,
however
Linking Words
, the
number
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 of
London
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Science
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Museum
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visitor
Fix the agreement mistake
visitors
show examples
 was smaller than
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 three international
museums
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 as
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
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goes
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 by.
Submitted by kk884 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover, while".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words number, visitors, museums, louvre, vatican, london, science, museum, shenzhen, millions with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "change" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 10 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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