IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

a person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social and material possessions. old- fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

#person #possessions #old- #values #honour #kindness #trust
There is no secret that every person is important and valuable in a special way. In today’s climate, despite old the days when kindness and
honestly
Replace the word
honesty
show examples
 were important, the determination of an individual’s value is based on their social situation and financial situation, a theory which I fully disapprove of. The main explanation why judging based on the number of possessions is not fruitful
can be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 the fact that it is not a reliable way since
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they can
inherited
Change the verb form
inherit
show examples
 that material from their family, which means that they did not have any effort to achieve it.
For example
, in the Britain royal family children have a good social situation from the day they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 born.
Therefore
,
due to
 the fact that nobody
cannot
Rewrite the sentence
can
show examples
 decide their family, it is not a suitable way to judge. Another explanation is that money can disappear
during
Change preposition
over
show examples
 time. An illustration of
this
 fact is a
top-Noch
Correct your spelling
top-notch
show examples
 car that can
destroy
Wrong verb form
be destroyed
show examples
 in a car accident and a beautiful house can
be destroy
Change the verb form
be destroyed
show examples
 by an earthquake.
As a result
, since financial concept is not a permanent thing, we cannot judge
people
 by them. There are a few facts regarding the importance of having kindness and trust which from
dawn
Add an article
the dawn
show examples
 of time were important values for
people
. First and foremost, personality can be considered as a spiritual possession which would not be wasted and even it cannot be ended by consuming,
such
 as making other
people
 happy and helping each other.
Besides
,
world
Add an article
the world
show examples
 is a better place with more kind
people
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 rich
people
.
Last
 but not least, money and physical materials are attractive for a
while
 and they will be ordinary after a certain of time,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
people
 will always remember how
perfect
Change the word
perfectly
show examples
 someone treated them. what can be concluded from the above is that in my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
 the adjectives which are related to
essence
Add an article
the essence
show examples
 of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 are far more important than physical property.
Submitted by ashkanmlk80 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Try to present your introduction in a more structured manner, clearly outlining your position and the main points you will discuss.
cohesion
Work on transitioning smoothly between paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay. Use cohesive devices effectively.
main points
Make sure your main points are well-developed and supported with specific examples or reasons.
task response
To fully respond to the task, ensure a balanced approach by discussing both sides of the argument to some extent before stating your position.
conclusion
Conclude your essay with a clear summary of your main points and restate your opinion. This reaffirms your argument to the reader.
lexical resource
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to showcase linguistic ability and to provide clarity in your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: