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Writing Samples
Band 5

As a consequence of improved medical care, people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think it's advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

#consequence #care #people #life #expectancy
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The field of medical science is ever evolving with advanced technology and new treatment plans which in return,
increasing
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
 the longevity and average
life
Use synonyms
 span of human beings. I believe the drawbacks
over shadow
Correct your spelling
overshadow
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 the benefits of
this
Linking Words
 notion. My viewpoints will be discussed in the following paragraphs with suitable examples.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the fundamental issue of
extended
Add an article
the extended
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 cycle is that
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 need more assistance in their daily routine. On
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
top of that, they would require intensive medical care putting strain on the hospital bed availablity
as well as
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 more doctors and nurses are required for the treatment. Having said that,
longer
Correct article usage
a longer
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life
Use synonyms
 cycle
also
Linking Words
 contributes to overpopulation across the globe.
Additionally
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,
Increasing
Correct article usage
an Increasing
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 number of younger generations are unable to care for their aged relations
Linking Words
therefore
Correct word choice
and therefore
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 have
seeked
Correct your spelling
sought
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 old age and nursing
home's
Fix the agreement mistake
homes'
show examples
 assistance to look after them.
For example
Linking Words
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent statistics from
Add an article
the ministry
show examples
ministry
Capitalize word
Ministry
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 of
social
Capitalize word
Social
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 and
family development
Correct your spelling
Family Development
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 been
as
Correct your spelling
an
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 alarming rate of new
admission
Fix the agreement mistake
admissions
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 for those home's caring for the elders.
And most
Correct word choice
Most
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 of the facilities are already functioning at their full capacity,
thus
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, boosting the waiting list for newcomers.
In contrast
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,
passing
Correct article usage
the passing
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 of
loved
Correct article usage
a loved
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 one is a heartbreaking experience, and the grief often comes with overwhelming
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
emotions.
Therefore
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,
modern day
Add a hyphen
modern-day
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 technology and medicine
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 to surge
th
Correct your spelling
the
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy of individuals by early detection of any disease and providing appropriate treatment plans. Having said that, pioneers from different
profession
Fix the agreement mistake
professions
show examples
 who are still in the workforce can
also
Linking Words
 bestow their knowledge and experience to the newly joined.
For instance
Linking Words
, a news article from
channel
Capitalize word
Channel
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 New Asia shared
on
Change preposition
that
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 a doctor who turned 100 years old and still serving in the cardiothoracic surgery department has been sharing his years
on
Change preposition
of
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 experience with the new undergraduates. In conclusion, I affirm that the disadvantage of the growing medical industry exceeds the advantage. As mentioned in the above paragraphs
although
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 there are several benefits from the advancement
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
the silver generation will definitely hinder the medical system in the foreseeable future.
Submitted by Nivashini_16 on

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Content
Provide a more balanced view on both advantages and disadvantages to fully address the essay question.
Introduction/Conclusion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion contain a clear thesis statement and a summary of main points.
Coherence
Work on connecting paragraphs and sentences more seamlessly for better logical flow.
Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas together more effectively within and between paragraphs.
Examples
Support main points with more detailed and pertinent examples to strengthen arguments.
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