The line graph below shows the percentage of people in Africa subscribing to mobile and fixed-line phones from 1994 to 2004.

The line graph below shows the percentage of people in Africa subscribing to mobile and fixed-line phones from 1994 to 2004.
The line graph below provides an analysis of citizens in Africa joining cell and landline
phones
.
This
analysis takes a decade, from 1994 to 2004 and covers 100 inhabitants.
Overall
, the
residence
Correct quantifier usage
number of residence
show examples
phones
slightly increased,
while
mobile
phones
had sharp growth from the beginning.
However
fixed-line
phones
had more amount of people than other kinds of
phones
. In 1994, subscribing people on residence
phones
more than mobile by approximately 1
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
furthermore
,
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
of using new gadgets stayed higher than old only after 7 years. Joiners to cell
phones
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
0.6
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In 2001, a new gadget crossed the blue indicator and didn’t stop its enormous climb,
while
the blue line had a really minimal up. From
this
period of time, the percentage of those
phones
was around 2,8.
To sum up
, we can see that
at the end
of the 2004 year, the percentage of home
phones
reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
3,1,
whereas
cell
phones
had 8.8 per cent.
Submitted by balnur_amantay on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words phones with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Telecommunications
  • Subscription
  • Fixed-line phone
  • Mobile phone
  • Percentage
  • Growth
  • Decline
  • Trend
  • Significant
  • Stagnation
  • Advancements
  • Affordability
  • Convenience
  • Implications
  • Economy
  • Society
  • Prediction
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