IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. sugary products should be made more expansive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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The
food
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 component fructose is becoming a concerning point for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
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.
Due to
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 the fact that many researches showed its detrimental
affects
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effects
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 towards our
health
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.
On the contrary
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, various
food
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 and beverage manufacturers use
sugar
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 heavily for its savoury taste. In my opinion, increasing the price of
sugar
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 is a viable way to restrict
people
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 from consuming it and another way is to raise awareness among individuals of its harmful
affects
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effects
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.
According to
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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various
health
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 researchers, fructose plays an important role in the taste
turning
Verb problem
making
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 the
food
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 delicious and satisfactory.
As a result
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,
desert
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dessert
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 is the most favourite part of a meal for many individuals.
However
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, heavy consumption of various sugary
food
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 items
cause
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causes
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 us high blood
sugar
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,
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
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 fat in our
body
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 etc.
Moreover
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, high blood
sugar
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effects
Replace the word
affects
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 our eyes,
bone
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and bone
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health
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 and
disbalance
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disbalances
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hormones in our
body
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. Rising the portion of fat in our
body
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 parts,
it
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apply
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enhances the birth of another disastrous disease
cholestrol
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cholesterol
.
As a consequence
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,
such
Linking Words
health
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 disparities would
cause
Verb problem
cost
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 our valuable
life
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lives
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.
Therefore
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,
rising
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raising
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 the price of
sugar
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 would restrain
people
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 from consuming
sugar
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 and foster a healthy society. As a suggestion, the government should spread awareness among individuals of
sugar
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's detrimental
affects
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effects
show examples
 on our
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body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
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. They should encourage
people
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 to use different available alternatives of
sugar
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,
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 honey,
sugar
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 cane juice and maple syrup etc. These
ingradients
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ingredients
 are harvested naturally and contain various beneficial properties for our
health
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. In conclusion, consuming any form of sugary
food
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 items
foster
Correct subject-verb agreement
fosters
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health
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 disparities.
Hence
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,
people
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 should restrain themselves from consumption of
such
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 types of
food
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.
Moreover
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, making
sugar
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expansive
Correct your spelling
expensive
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 and spreading awareness among
people
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 would cultivate restrainment from fructose and foster a vibrant healthy society.
Submitted by nehakarmakar45 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should clearly state your position on the topic, the body paragraphs should each focus on a single main idea with supporting details, and the conclusion should summarize your argument and reiterate your position without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, make sure each paragraph flows naturally from one to the next by using transitional phrases and clearly linking your points. This will create a more cohesive and compelling argument.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples. Examples serve to illustrate and give credence to your claims, so where you mention health defects or alternative sugar sources, be sure to provide concrete instances or cite reputable sources for enhanced credibility.
task achievement
Task achievement can be improved by fully addressing all parts of the prompt. Your essay should explore both the agreement/disagreement with making sugary products more expensive, as well as provide a clear argument with varied sentences and few to no grammatical errors.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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