IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The most important reasons for a young person to attend a university is to increase the amount of money that he or she will earn in the future. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The pivotal reason for youths to go to a
university
Use synonyms
 is to raise the amount of salary that they will get in his or her future. I partly agree with
this
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 statement and think that a title gives a strong likelihood for people to get a high income in their professions, but there are many other opportunities to be wealthy.
To begin
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 with, many prestigious job vacancies nowadays demand graduates.
This
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 is because numerous corporations prefer applicants who are trained enough to work in their related fields, especially in the area of primary positions in a company.
Therefore
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, when it comes to those positions, the company will rely upon the ones with a high degree.
For example
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, a manager often comes from a person who has a master's degree, as it shows more credibility and experience.
However
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,
university
Use synonyms
 graduates thinking that they will get a big amount of wage is not always entirely right. Evidently, there are many jobs that require a bachelor's degree but they do not give the expected salary. One of them is becoming a teacher. Those who work as teachers in Indonesia and many other countries in the world have been complaining about their low income. Meanwhile, students who work part-time and businessmen earn much more than them.
This
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 instance shows that the prevailing assumption by
university
Use synonyms
 student candidates can be wronged.
To sum up
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, people who graduate from
university
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 will have more chances to get valuable jobs and positions which lead to earning more money.
However
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, not all professions possessed by bachelors and masters are highly paid.
Thus
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, I suggest that how much we earn depends on our career, not on our title.

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coherence cohesion
Be sure to develop paragraphs fully to support your main points. It can sometimes be beneficial to elaborate more on how specific examples relate back to the core argument of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next. Transition phrases can be helpful for this. Additionally, consider how the ordering of your points affects the logical progression of the essay.
task achievement
While your response touches on both sides of the argument, strive for more balance by dedicating a comparable amount of discussion to each perspective. Ensure that your position is clear throughout the essay, not just at the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate greater language proficiency. Varied sentence structures also contribute to the readability and cohesiveness of your writing.
task achievement
While specific examples are good, try to provide broader evidence and more detailed explanation to strengthen your argument.
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