IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people think that the fast food industry is responsible for health problems in society, while others believe that individuals are responsible for their own health. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is certainly true that many individuals think that the fast
food
Use synonyms
 industry is to be blamed for the
health
Use synonyms
 problems in society,
while
Linking Words
 others believe
otherwise
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. I have discussed both views and
give
Wrong verb form
given
show examples
 my opinion below. The fast
food
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 community is the main reason for
health
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 issues around the world.
This
Linking Words
 is because more fast
food
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 restaurants rather than healthy options.
As a result
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, more
humans
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 tend to go to these restaurants to enjoy, and feast on unhealthy and oily
food
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.
Due to
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this
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, people's physique and mental
health
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 deteriorates and it takes a toll on the
overall
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 life expectancy of
humans
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 too which is alarming.
For example
Linking Words
, an increasing trend has been observed related to
health
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 issues in public comparing many countries in the past decade
due to
Linking Words
 fast
food
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 industries.
However
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,
humans
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 are
also
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 to be blamed for the intake of
such
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 dirty
food
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.
Besides
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 restaurants, we order
food
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 too, on our own will which is worse as we are doing
this
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 to ourselves.
As a consequence
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, our mental, physical and social
health
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 decreases even more. In contrast, people who eat homemade
food
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 are more energetic and happy in life.
For example
Linking Words
, in the Covid-19 pandemic, everything was closed, including the fast
food
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 industry. During
this
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, India saw the highest rise in the popularity of vegetables and diet
food
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. In my opinion,
humans
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 are to be blamed for their
health
Use synonyms
. We can take care of ourselves with the right mindset and avoid any kind of outdoor restaurant.

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task achievement
Expand on the points made with more specific examples and data to strongly support the arguments. This will enhance the task response criteria and demonstrate a deeper understanding.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Better linking phrases will help to demonstrate a clearer and more logical structure to your argument.
task achievement
Provide a more balanced discussion on the opposing views before reaching a conclusion. This ensures equal weightage to both perspectives and strengthens the overall task response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. This demonstrates a strong understanding of the essay's requirements.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are both present and effectively summarize the main points of the essay. This helps in maintaining a clear and logical flow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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