IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Mobile phones have brought many benefits, but they have also had negetive effects. Do the disadvantages of having mobile phones outweigh the advanteges?

#phones #negetive #effects #advanteges
In the ongoing decade, a rapid increase in the usage of mobile
phones
 has been witnessed.
Although
 it has brought
enurmous
Correct your spelling
enormous
 benefits, there are many ideas that
challange
Correct your spelling
challenge
 the
advanteges
Correct your spelling
advantages
.
However
, they can not measure up to the positive effect of using them. There are a lot of reasons that make mobile
phones
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a powerful tool with uncountable
advanteges
Correct your spelling
advantages
.
For instance
, it has
revelutionized
Correct your spelling
revolutionized
revolutionised
 communications that people are able to be in touch together almost in all locations around the world.
As well as
Rephrase
Also
show examples
, the significant role of mobile
phones
 as a
facilator
Correct your spelling
facilitator
 tool to access the internet for every
individuals
Change to a singular noun
individual
show examples
 who
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 them, is
deniable
Correct your spelling
undeniable
show examples
. The features in them,
also
 the wide and various numbers of applications which are downloadable, make
possible
Correct pronoun usage
it possible
show examples
 to do lots of duties by them.
And the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 mentionable positive impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 world economics is another example for counting its benefits.
However
, even using medicines too much or in
Correct article usage
the
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 wrong way can be harmful. So, there is a dark side
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using
mobiles
Change the noun form
mobile
show examples
phones
 that
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 discussable. Addicting
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
using mobile
phones
, misusing children,
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
 crimes,  the effects of electromagnetic waves on health
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc. are some examples of
negetive
Correct your spelling
negative
 effects. In
conclussion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
although
 considering the
disadvanteges
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 are important matter that individuals should educate themselves about
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, the benefits that have been brought by mobile
phones
 in human life are remarkable.
That is
 why, there is
not any
Rephrase
no
show examples
 determination
for ignoring
Change preposition
to ignore
show examples
 these magical tools.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

logical structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Your main points should be laid out logically throughout the essay.
introduction conclusion present
Include a clear thesis statement in your introduction and restate your main points in your conclusion for better clarity.
supported main points
Support each main point with clear examples. Currently, the examples are somewhat vague and lack specificity which can detract from your argument's strength.
complete response
Make sure to address the task fully by discussing both advantages and disadvantages equally. Your essay feels unbalanced, leaning more towards the advantages of mobile phones.
clear comprehensive ideas
Develop your ideas more comprehensively by elaborating on each point with more detail and analysis.
relevant specific examples
Include more specific, relevant examples to support your points and to show a deeper understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: