IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

More people are stressed today than ever before. What are the causes of this stress? What can be done to address this problem?

#people #stress #address
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It is claimed that the overwhelming majority of people have become depressed compared with the past
time
Use synonyms
 in today's society complex.
This
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 essay aims to investigate the causes of
this
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 and
also
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 put a number of solutions.
Firstly
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,
this
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 trend happens
due to
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 the productive public tends to spend more
time
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 working or studying harder without being balanced with maintaining personal health, be it physical or mental.
For example
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, employees in the office start from nine to five with endless workloads,
not to mention
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 hours spent commuting from home to the office and vice versa.
As a result
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, it can pile up the burden on their mind since they do not have
time
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 to release their stress,
such
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 as working out or relaxing.
Secondly
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, the spread of social media is responsible for the expansion of anxiety in the public. Take Instagram,
for instance
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; when cyber friends are always showing off wealth and wasting money, those who see it become worried because they think they are the only ones suffering.
That is
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 why citizens in
this
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 century feel more depressed compared to before. Given the current situation with changes in human mental health, some measures must be implemented. First and foremost, the government should start contemplating
this
Linking Words
 problem by allowing workers to work remotely and,
moreover
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, reducing the working day to four days. In
such
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 a case, they have leisure day for pampering themself, like joining a yoga class. Eventually, workers become more productive in companies,
along
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with
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apply
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their happiness increases.
In addition
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, people's awareness should be increased through campaigns about the negative effects or investing more
time
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 in social media. In conclusion, the reasons behind the rise in depression include imbalanced lifestyles and internet use, and possible solutions are shifting the way of working and building public awareness.
Submitted by helainhye2 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that the essay flows smoothly from one idea to the next using appropriate linking words. Currently, there are parts where the transition between ideas could be more natural.
coherence cohesion
Expand on the support for your main points by providing more specific and detailed examples. This will strengthen the argument and make the writing more convincing.
task achievement
Make sure to fully answer the essay question by addressing all parts of the task. While the essay has touched on the causes of stress and some solutions, further exploration of both aspects would be beneficial.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on the ideas presented in the essay with well-developed explanations. At times, the ideas could be more thoroughly explored for a clearer understanding.
task achievement
Include more varied and specific examples in the essay to support the points made. This could include statistics, research findings, or more illustrative anecdotes.
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