IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with your opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend less than 40 minutes on this task and write at least 250 words

#people #music #cultures #ages #minutes
Some individuals are of the opinion that the best way to connect various cultures is through
music
. I firmly support the given statement and in
this
 essay, I am going to elaborate more on the reasons supporting
this
 idea. Over the ages,
music
 has stood out not only in connecting distinct cultures together but
also
bringing
Change preposition
in bringing
show examples
 both old and young to a common level. It is evident that different traditions are brought to a showground and appreciated by human beings.
For example
, during celebrations
such
 as weddings people have their own style of dancing to their local
music
 to express cultural beliefs and during
this
occassion
Correct your spelling
occasion
 they have special garments to grace the given ceremony. In
this
 way, the mode of their dressing and dance represents their cultural values.
Additionally
, regardless of children or aged
people
Add a comma
people,
show examples
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 is a sense of satisfaction that all ages find
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
music
.
Moreover
, these feelings have brought up unremarkable togetherness of
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
 race and
hence
 led to a very great impact in the society.
For instance
, during political rallies and campaigns the type of
music
 played can bring both younger and older people to converge in the same group just to listen to the speech of politicians.
This
 in return has brought up positivity
such
 that the elderly can easily use
this
 opportunity to give
piece
Fix the agreement mistake
pieces
show examples
 of advice to younger ones and
also
 converse about matters of
this
 life. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the statement for the reasons given above namely, embracing cultural values and opportunity provision for all ages to mingle and speak in a common voice.
Submitted by rebecckwamboka96 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To improve the logical structure, make sure your essay has a clear introduction with a specific thesis statement. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea that is expanded with detailed support.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include an introduction and a conclusion to bookend your essay. The introduction should paraphrase the question, and the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop your main points by using more specific examples and details relevant to the topic, ensuring that each point is elaborated sufficiently.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task. Clearly present your views and discuss them in relation to the question, supporting them with relevant examples.
Task Achievement
Work on presenting your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Expand on your ideas with further explanation and more varied sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of English.
Task Achievement
Use a wider range of specific examples to support your arguments, aiming for clarity and relevance to the question asked.

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