IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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These days,
people
Use synonyms
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 should use their phones during
Use synonyms
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
day
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss two different
view
Change to a plural noun
views
show examples
 which is why
parent
Use synonyms
 allow phones for their
childern
Correct your spelling
children
while
Linking Words
 others prevent that. In previous days, the
expenture
Correct your spelling
expenditure
 of life
forecd
Correct your spelling
forced
parent
Use synonyms
 to work to get a comfortable life and have the necessary things,
as a result
Linking Words
 of that they may come home
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
early
Correct article usage
the early
show examples
 hours of
Correct article usage
the days
show examples
days
Fix the agreement mistake
day
show examples
 so they
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to make sure that their children
in
Add a missing verb
are in
show examples
peace
Replace the word
peaceful
show examples
 place, return from
school
Use synonyms
 to home, and eat well, though the easiest way to know
that is
Linking Words
 to contact on
phone
Use synonyms
. Especially, those
people
Use synonyms
 who have nobody can take care of their
kids
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 they are
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 think that
kids
Use synonyms
didn't
Wrong verb form
don't
show examples
must
Verb problem
have to study
show examples
 all
day
Use synonyms
 study, they
also
Linking Words
 need to have fun and
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
relax from
over thinking
Correct your spelling
overthinking
show examples
 and
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
.
As well as
Linking Words
 they
push
Rephrase
also push
show examples
 them to have special time to chat with their friend, gaming,
have
Correct word choice
and have
show examples
 pleasure from videos, like Instagram because they understand the
affect
Replace the word
effect
show examples
 of pleasure to get well
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
school
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 think that
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
negative consequences for their
children in
Change preposition
children's
show examples
 educational attainment. They prevent phones because they can not control how they should use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 one
day
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, those
people
Use synonyms
 want their
kids
Use synonyms
 to have a high
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
show examples
 in all classes and they
forsed
Correct your spelling
forced
 them on curriculum to get a high prestige job.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, the negative
psycholgy
Correct your spelling
psychology
 of some
uses
Correct your spelling
users
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
,
hence
Linking Words
, nervous, over-acting,
scream
Wrong verb form
screaming
show examples
, and vanity. Some
kids
Use synonyms
 who play a
lot
Add the preposition
lot of
show examples
 time on
Use synonyms
Correct pronoun usage
their phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
always scream
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
Use synonyms
Correct pronoun usage
their parent
show examples
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 and
stubborn
Add a missing verb
are stubborn
show examples
 and
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not want to study
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
. In the end, there
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a pros and cons to
use
Change the verb form
using
show examples
 the
phone
Use synonyms
 during
Use synonyms
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
day
Use synonyms
, though the most significant part is
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
parent
Use synonyms
, to manage
Correct article usage
the uses
show examples
uses
Fix the agreement mistake
use
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
phone
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
 for their
kids
Use synonyms
.

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, make sure to fully address the prompt by discussing both views equally and providing a clear opinion. Develop your arguments with more specific examples and reasons.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by organizing your essay into clear paragraphs, each with a central idea. Use cohesive devices effectively to link ideas within and across paragraphs.
Language
Pay attention to accurate grammar and varied vocabulary to express your ideas more clearly. Avoid overly simplistic language and sentence structures.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
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