IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think money is one of the most essential factors in promoting hapinness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

#people #money #factors #hapinness #happiness
It is generally claimed that being happy depends on how much money a person earns.
However
, it is impossible to buy
happiness
.
That is
 why, I truly believe that there are a few factors leading to feeling a sense of joy. It goes without saying that nowadays, more and more individuals are struggling to become wealthier, live in luxury, have the latest technology and obtain a higher status in a community. I mean that they feel that the first aspect of a happy lifestyle is being rich.
For instance
, in our society, most people tend to compete with each other by building larger houses, purchasing more modern cars and fashionable clothes as well and pursuing higher positions involved in the rat race. Namely, they feel that property can provide them with long-term prospects and they can not imagine their lives without it. There is no doubt that we can encounter unhappy individuals among wealthy people.
That is
 to say that there are some other factors which contribute to
happiness
,
such
 as being healthy, spending more time with family members, doing favourable jobs and living in peace and tranquillity. As an example of what I am saying, if a person has a huge amount of funds but has an incurable illness, he or she is not considered a happy human being. Another key factor of contentment is to get satisfaction
while
 helping others, be proud of achievements and boost self-confidence. In conclusion,
whereas
 wealth plays an important role in our lives, it is not the main cause of
happiness
.
Therefore
, I strongly believe that true
happiness
 is related to numerous factors including money.
Submitted by saydusmonovasomiddin94 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Try to make your main argument in the introduction and restate it in the conclusion for clarity and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to help the flow of the essay and to connect ideas more smoothly. For instance, consider additional transition words indicating contrast, cause and effect, or additional points.
task achievement
While the response to the task is complete, make sure that all parts of the prompt are fully developed. Discuss the necessity of money for happiness in depth along with other factors contributing to happiness.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. The use of real-world evidence or more detailed scenarios will help to strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. Provide clearer topic sentences that introduce the point, and then develop that point thoroughly within the paragraph.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!