IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

A family has a great influence on children's development, but the outside of home plays a bigger role in it. Do you agree or disagree?

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Families play a crucial role in their
children
Change noun form
children's
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 growing process, but
on the other hand
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, various external factors have a huge impact on children’s behaviour and characters. So, it seems that the outside environment is a key element in
this
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 process.
Firstly
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, kids spend a large amount of their
time
Use synonyms
 at school, especially if their
parents
Use synonyms
 are busy they may stay for aftercare times. Totally, if we consider 8 hours outside of home, and
couple
Change the article
a couple
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 of hours doing homework, there will not be adequate
time
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 for being influenced by
parents
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.
For instance
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, my sister previously realized her daughter imitates her teacher’s speaking pattern at home. When they ask her something she responds like her.
As a result
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, we cannot deny how much children can copy their tutor’s behaviour and speeches rather than their
parents
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,
while
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 they gather occasionally.
Furthermore
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, nowadays, adults should work hard to meet their family’s needs. In
this
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 case, they will not find free
time
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 to communicate with their children. Rather, they prefer to enrol their kids into different institutions and classes like, sports, music, or art.
Hence
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, we cannot expect
parents
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 to become involved in kids’ growing
procedure
Fix the agreement mistake
procedures
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 more than the outside world. To explain more, my cousin’s son has a close relationship with his teacher at kindergarten, and when we ask him why you love her so much? the answer is: she plays with me.
According to
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this
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, it is obvious that his teacher will be able to lead and teach more to him, not his mother and father. In conclusion, we cannot deny that
parents
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 have limited impacts on children’s development,
while
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 they spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 at work, or doing chores at home.

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Task Achievement
Your essay reflects an understanding of the topic and presents a clear position throughout. However, to improve your Task Achievement score, make sure that you fully address all parts of the task. This involves not only stating your opinion but also discussing both sides of the argument, including how the family can still have a significant role in children's development, before reiterating your opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay, consider organizing your ideas more effectively. This includes the use of clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to outline the main idea to be discussed. Additionally, make better use of linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Also, ensure that your introduction and conclusion are fully developed by providing a brief summary of the main points discussed in the body of your essay in the conclusion.
Task Achievement
While you provided some examples to support your points, to improve your score in this area, aim to include more specific evidence and a broader range of examples. Make sure the examples are directly relevant to the topic and clearly support your arguments. This will demonstrate your ability to discuss a topic in depth and provide a more well-rounded response.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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