IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue with their work. To what extent do you agree?

#artists #salaries #government #work
Nowadays, when our society is in the stage of rapid transformation,
art
 exhibitions become less popular ,
therefore
 their creators receive low salaries. It is agreed, that the government should provide
artists
 with a higher financial budget and make society more educated in
this
 field.
This
 essay,
firstly
,will discuss why a lot of
artists
 suffer from poverty,followed by an analysis of actions which can be approved to overcome
this
 problem.
To begin
 with, humanity loses interest in museums,historical monuments and even modern
art
,
due to
 the accessibility to the Internet,where each piece of information can be found easily.
In addition
, children in schools are deprived of the ability to attend classes which are specialized in
this
 field.
Moreover
, even if these lessons exist, they will be optional, and unfortunately,
this
 is the main cause of the lack of
artists
.
Nevertheless
, we have some people who try to save and popularize their knowledge about
art
 ,
however
 ,
due to
 the lack of interest , they receive low salaries and lose their desire to work. If the government did not take some measures,
this
 issue would contribute to the death of the historical heritage of
art
.
Conversely
, the government should change it by encouraging people to visit
art
 exhibitions.
Furthermore
 ,
artists
 should be sponsored by the administration ,
therefore
 they will continue to do their work. It will attract more tourists,so both the economy and
artists
 will receive income.
Also
, it would be better to provide school lessons and some excursions for scholars.
For example
, when children had a topic about modern
art
, they would visit a museum which contain some works, and their parents would have the ability to donate some money to
artists
.
To conclude
,
this
 essay agrees with the idea that
art
 is in danger
due to
 the low salaries of
artists
,
however
, there are some steps which should be taken to provide prosperity for
this
 field
Submitted by amina.ilyuk8 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that your ideas are organized in a logical manner with clear paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a main idea, supported by further explanation, examples or arguments. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs should be smooth, signaling the relationship between ideas. Avoid abrupt shifts in topic and strive for a natural flow of information.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, make sure to address all parts of the prompt fully. Develop your main points with sufficient detail and back them up with relevant examples or evidence. Expand on your arguments more comprehensively to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic. Be careful not to stray from the question, and remember to answer 'to what extent' you agree with the statement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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