IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

‎ Some young people leave the countryside to live in cities or towns, leaving only ‎older people in the countryside. What are the problems of this issue? What can ‎be done to solve this problem?‎

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Nowadays, the young generation
tend
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tends
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 to move to cities or towns from the
countryside
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, and the
population
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 of only elderly
people
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 accounts for the majority in the
coutryside
Correct your spelling
countryside
.
This
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 essay will explore several issues that have been caused by
this
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 unbalanced
population
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, and I will explore a possibly effective countermeasure to improve
this
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 problem.
Firstly
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, the less density of young
people
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 affects convenience and
excitiment
Correct your spelling
excitement
 of the individuals'
life
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 in
coutryside
Correct your spelling
countryside
.
In other words
Linking Words
, the total
population
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 in the
countryside
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also
Linking Words
 decrease relatively.
This
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 trend impacts the number of shops and social services, including supermarkets,
restaurants
Correct word choice
and restaurants
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, resulting in
Correct article usage
the
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closure
their
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of their
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 businesses
due to
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 the
hoplessness
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hopelessness
in
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of
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 growth.
Moreover
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,
this
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 significant transition in the
population
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 affects the
life
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 environment in cities,
such
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 as traffic jams, the incredibly
highier
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high
 property market and noise pollution. To
takle
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tackle
take
this
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 problem, one of the
possiblely
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possibly
possible
 effective measures is the engagement by the government, by spending their budget
for
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on
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 encouraging young families to
welcome
Add a missing verb
be welcome
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 to the
countryside
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.
For example
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, the government has arranged
the
Correct article usage
a
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 particular tax system which is affordable for young
people
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 in some rural
areas
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 in Japan.
Consequently
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, the
popluration
Correct your spelling
population
 of young families in these
areas
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 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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recovered from the declining trend indicated for a few decades. In summary, there is a negative trend in the
population
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 of
Correct article usage
the
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young generation in the
countryside
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, affecting the convenient and appropriate lifestyle of
people
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 in the rural
areas
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.
However
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,
while
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 it might take some time to improve the quality of
life
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 in these
areas
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, the government should take responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
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 problem, engaging sufficient budget for
treatement
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the treatment
 of young
families
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families'
family's
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 lives, thereby enriching not only young
people
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's
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 but
also
Linking Words
older
Correct article usage
the older
show examples
 generation's living environment in the
countryside
Use synonyms
.

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Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure that the introduction provides a clear overview of the essay's aim and structure. While an introduction and conclusion are present, refining the thesis statement to explicitly outline the upcoming discussion can further strengthen the essay.
Supporting Main Points
Work on the development of main points by expanding on ideas with clear and relevant examples. Although the essay addresses the topic with specific examples, they would benefit from deeper analysis and further elaboration.
Logical Structure
Maintain consistency in your argumentation and create better connectivity between ideas. Use a range of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of the essay and ensure paragraphs logically follow one another.
Complete Response & Comprehensive Ideas
While the essay addresses the task, there is room to express ideas more completely and comprehensively. The response could better reflect a balanced discussion of the problems and solutions regarding the migration of the young population from the countryside.
Relevant Specific Examples
Include a wider range of specific examples and data to support points made, ensuring they are directly relevant to the question and provide a convincing argument.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • aging population
  • labor shortages
  • economic decline
  • cultural erosion
  • brain drain
  • social isolation
  • rural development
  • infrastructure decay
  • migration
  • healthcare
  • social services
  • local industries
  • agriculture
  • local businesses
  • cultural heritage
  • traditions
  • loneliness
  • mental health
  • investment
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