IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The government should be responsible for providing retirees with financial support and care. While many people think that citizens should save money to take care of themselves when they are old. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#government #retirees #support #care #people #citizens #money
Many governments seek
for implementing
Change preposition
to implement
show examples
 the equity distribution of wealth among citizens in their societies.
As a result
, governments should take
care
 of the
people
 who are retired by giving them convenient assistance and
care
.
While
 other individuals believe that
retirees
 should have a saving plan that can used when they get older. I totally agree with the importance of
government
 support for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
people
 after they
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
show examples
, In
this
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will explain both views with the reasons. Many citizens believe that the
government
 wealth that come from the taxes
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 individuals
paid
Wrong verb form
pay
show examples
 should go
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 improving the quality of public education and
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 sectors. They believe that
retirees
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 working for more than 50 years and they suppose that they had saved money and their children became independent so they have no responsibilities after they get retried.
Moreover
, the pension funding from
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
represent
Correct subject-verb agreement
represents
show examples
 a large amount of the budget of many countries, and it should go for other aspects of improvement,
For example
,
such
 developing countries as, Zambia and
south
Capitalize word
South
show examples
 Africa, require
to save
Change the verb form
saving
show examples
 that funding to improve the infra-structures of the country,
such
 as electricity and water;
besides
 their need for education and health improvements in public sectors.
On the other hand
, other
people
 believe that those
retirees
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 an effective
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 in their community and they paid taxes
during
Correct word choice
while
show examples
 they were working. it is not
logic
Replace the word
logical
show examples
 after the continuous effort and givenness’ to their societies to not offer them a convenient social standard of living.
For example
,
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 takes from the
counties
Correct your spelling
countries
show examples
 that have a convenient plan for their
retirees
,
that is
 because they deduct a small amount from their salaries, to be able to grant
this
 money
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
people
 after they
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
show examples
. In conclusion, many
people
 think the money
go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 pensioners should be go for
improvement
Correct article usage
the improvement
show examples
 of their
counties
Correct your spelling
countries
show examples
,
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take
care
 of them when they get older.
Submitted by Mido  on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to connect ideas and sentences for better flow. Avoid repetition of the same linking devices.
Task Achievement
Develop your main points by including more specific examples and detail to fully support your argument.
Task Achievement
Stay on topic throughout your essay ensuring that all content is relevant to the prompt. Keep a balance in the discussion of both viewpoints before giving your opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Revisit your essay to correct grammatical errors and improve your range of vocabulary. Using a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures can contribute to a higher score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • government responsibility
  • financial support
  • care
  • retirees
  • personal responsibility
  • retirement planning
  • social security
  • pension
  • benefits
  • concerns
  • dependency
  • adequate savings
  • elderly citizens
  • burden
  • welfare system
  • poverty
  • social safety net
  • financial stability
  • public funds
  • sustainable
  • reliable
  • case study
  • Japan
  • Sweden
  • United States
What to do next:
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