Extreme sports such as skydiving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
Skydiving and skiing are
sports
of extreme that are very dangerous and ought to be banned. I completely disagree with this
statement, and my reasons will be elaborated on the
below Change preposition
in the
paragragph
.
Correct your spelling
paragraph
To begin
with, the primary reason is that can decrease condition
of Add an article
the condition
economy
. These Add an article
the economy
sports
namely skydiving and skiing are able to appeal people
who possess an Change preposition
to people
extreme's
hobby. If these activities Change noun form
extreme
will be
banned, it is going to decrease Wrong verb form
are
tourism
industry in Correct article usage
the tourism
that
place that provides those Correct determiner usage
the
sports
. Hence
, this
situation will influence to economic growth of local people and also
income
of Correct article usage
the income
country
.
Add an article
the country
a country
Secondly
, the another
reason is to increase a Correct quantifier usage
other
body
health. These Change noun form
body's
excercises
move all of the Correct your spelling
exercises
body
commencing from the head until the foots
so that they perform some Correct your spelling
feet
movings
on the Replace the word
movements
body
. For example
, they have to jump with bringing parachute that has 18 kilogram
weight, after that, they have to be able to control the situation in the sky where Fix the agreement mistake
kilograms
an
air in the sky is greatly Correct article usage
the
strongth
, and Correct your spelling
strength
strong
the
Correct article usage
apply
last
, they have to restrain their legs when they lands. Thus
, those activities can escalate their body
strength so that it can make their body
more healthy. Moreover
, those sports
can improve mental strength. They have to brave
to jump from Add a missing verb
be brave
height
place. Replace the word
a high
From helicopter
, Change preposition
Helicopter
for instance
, it
is the common transportation Correct pronoun usage
apply
that is
used by several communities who
do these activities.
Correct pronoun usage
that
To sum up
, I disagree if
Correct word choice
apply
the
extreme Correct your spelling
that
sports
are able to be banned because it
can Correct pronoun usage
they
make
Verb problem
cause
the
Correct article usage
an
economy
Replace the word
economic
condition
Verb problem
apply
a
slump, and Correct article usage
apply
this sport
is able to escalate Fix the agreement mistake
these sports
the
Correct article usage
apply
body
health and mental strength.Submitted by fifi on
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Task Achievement
In the introduction, try to provide a clearer thesis statement that not only disagrees with the view but also briefly indicates the reasons for your disagreement. This will make your position clear from the beginning.
Coherence & Cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically. Start with a clear topic sentence for each body paragraph that states the main idea clearly. Then, follow this with supporting details and examples. This helps in creating a more coherent and cohesive argument.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to support your arguments. While you mentioned examples like the effect on the economy and health benefits, providing more concrete and detailed examples can strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on the variety and accuracy of your sentence structures to improve readability and coherence. Avoid overly long sentences and ensure that you use punctuation correctly to separate ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
Review your essay for grammatical errors and odd phrasing. Some sentences are awkward or incorrect, which can distract from your argument. Consider using tools or seek feedback to identify and correct these issues.
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