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Band 4

Extreme sports such as skydiving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#extreme #sports
Skydiving and skiing are
sports
 of extreme that are very dangerous and ought to be banned. I completely disagree with
this
 statement, and my reasons will be elaborated on
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 below
paragragph
Correct your spelling
paragraph
.
To begin
 with, the primary reason is that can decrease
condition
Add an article
the condition
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 of
economy
Add an article
the economy
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. These
sports
 namely skydiving and skiing are able to appeal
people
Change preposition
to people
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 who possess an
extreme's
Change noun form
extreme
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 hobby. If these activities
will be
Wrong verb form
are
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 banned, it is going to decrease
tourism
Correct article usage
the tourism
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 industry in
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 place that provides those
sports
.
Hence
,
this
 situation will influence to economic growth of local people and
also
income
Correct article usage
the income
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 of
country
Add an article
the country
a country
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.
Secondly
, the
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
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 reason is to increase a
body
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body's
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 health. These
excercises
Correct your spelling
exercises
 move all of the
body
 commencing from the head until the
foots
Correct your spelling
feet
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 so that they perform some
movings
Replace the word
movements
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 on the
body
.
For example
, they have to jump with bringing parachute that has 18
kilogram
Fix the agreement mistake
kilograms
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 weight, after that, they have to be able to control the situation in the sky where
an
Correct article usage
the
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 air in the sky is greatly
strongth
Correct your spelling
strength
strong
, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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last
, they have to restrain their legs when they lands.
Thus
, those activities can escalate their
body
 strength so that it can make their
body
 more healthy.
Moreover
, those
sports
 can improve mental strength. They have to
brave
Add a missing verb
be brave
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 to jump from
height
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a high
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 place.
From helicopter
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Helicopter
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,
for instance
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is the common transportation
that is
 used by several communities
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 do these activities.
To sum up
, I disagree
if
Correct word choice
apply
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the
Correct your spelling
that
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 extreme
sports
 are able to be banned because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can
make
Verb problem
cause
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the
Correct article usage
an
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economy
Replace the word
economic
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condition
Verb problem
apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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slump, and
this sport
Fix the agreement mistake
these sports
show examples
 is able to escalate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
body
 health and mental strength.
Submitted by fifi on

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Task Achievement
In the introduction, try to provide a clearer thesis statement that not only disagrees with the view but also briefly indicates the reasons for your disagreement. This will make your position clear from the beginning.
Coherence & Cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically. Start with a clear topic sentence for each body paragraph that states the main idea clearly. Then, follow this with supporting details and examples. This helps in creating a more coherent and cohesive argument.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to support your arguments. While you mentioned examples like the effect on the economy and health benefits, providing more concrete and detailed examples can strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on the variety and accuracy of your sentence structures to improve readability and coherence. Avoid overly long sentences and ensure that you use punctuation correctly to separate ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
Review your essay for grammatical errors and odd phrasing. Some sentences are awkward or incorrect, which can distract from your argument. Consider using tools or seek feedback to identify and correct these issues.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • inherent risks
  • thrill and excitement
  • infringe upon
  • individual freedom
  • limit people's choices
  • proper training
  • regulation
  • equipment
  • take necessary precautions
  • tourism industry
  • economic growth
  • raise awareness
  • responsible participation
  • improved physical fitness
  • mental strength
  • personal growth
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