Extreme sports such as skydiving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

Skydiving and skiing are
sports
of extreme that are very dangerous and ought to be banned. I completely disagree with
this
statement, and my reasons will be elaborated on
the
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in the
show examples
below
paragragph
Correct your spelling
paragraph
.
To begin
with, the primary reason is that can decrease
condition
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the condition
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of
economy
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the economy
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. These
sports
namely skydiving and skiing are able to appeal
people
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to people
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who possess an
extreme's
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extreme
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hobby. If these activities
will be
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are
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banned, it is going to decrease
tourism
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the tourism
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industry in
that
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the
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place that provides those
sports
.
Hence
,
this
situation will influence to economic growth of local people and
also
income
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the income
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of
country
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the country
a country
show examples
.
Secondly
, the
another
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other
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reason is to increase a
body
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body's
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health. These
excercises
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exercises
move all of the
body
commencing from the head until the
foots
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feet
show examples
so that they perform some
movings
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movements
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on the
body
.
For example
, they have to jump with bringing parachute that has 18
kilogram
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kilograms
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weight, after that, they have to be able to control the situation in the sky where
an
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the
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air in the sky is greatly
strongth
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strength
strong
, and
the
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apply
show examples
last
, they have to restrain their legs when they lands.
Thus
, those activities can escalate their
body
strength so that it can make their
body
more healthy.
Moreover
, those
sports
can improve mental strength. They have to
brave
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be brave
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to jump from
height
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a high
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place.
From helicopter
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Helicopter
show examples
,
for instance
,
it
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apply
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is the common transportation
that is
used by several communities
who
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that
show examples
do these activities.
To sum up
, I disagree
if
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apply
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
extreme
sports
are able to be banned because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
can
make
Verb problem
cause
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the
Correct article usage
an
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economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
condition
Verb problem
apply
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a
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apply
show examples
slump, and
this sport
Fix the agreement mistake
these sports
show examples
is able to escalate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
body
health and mental strength.
Submitted by fifi on

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Task Achievement
In the introduction, try to provide a clearer thesis statement that not only disagrees with the view but also briefly indicates the reasons for your disagreement. This will make your position clear from the beginning.
Coherence & Cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically. Start with a clear topic sentence for each body paragraph that states the main idea clearly. Then, follow this with supporting details and examples. This helps in creating a more coherent and cohesive argument.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to support your arguments. While you mentioned examples like the effect on the economy and health benefits, providing more concrete and detailed examples can strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on the variety and accuracy of your sentence structures to improve readability and coherence. Avoid overly long sentences and ensure that you use punctuation correctly to separate ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
Review your essay for grammatical errors and odd phrasing. Some sentences are awkward or incorrect, which can distract from your argument. Consider using tools or seek feedback to identify and correct these issues.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • inherent risks
  • thrill and excitement
  • infringe upon
  • individual freedom
  • limit people's choices
  • proper training
  • regulation
  • equipment
  • take necessary precautions
  • tourism industry
  • economic growth
  • raise awareness
  • responsible participation
  • improved physical fitness
  • mental strength
  • personal growth
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