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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie chart compares the average household spending in two different countries in terms of five important categories in 2010.

The pie chart compares the average household spending in two different countries in terms of five important categories in 2010.
The pie chart below
illustrates
Verb problem
apply
show examples
compares the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of household spending in two different countries (
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
) in five different parts means: Housing, Transport, Food, Health care,
Other
Correct word choice
and Other
show examples
goods
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
 in 2010.
According to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Japan
Use synonyms
's chart, The lowest rate
was belong
Change the verb form
belonged
show examples
 to healthcare (%6).
Also
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 category was less in
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 than in
Japan
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, In
Use synonyms
Japan
Add a comma
Japan,
show examples
 the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
was belong
Change the verb form
belonged
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
goods
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
 (%29)
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 In
Use synonyms
Malaysia
Add a comma
Malaysia,
show examples
 housing was the highest rate (%34).
Furthermore
Linking Words
, In
Japan
Use synonyms
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
secound
Correct your spelling
second
 place (%24).
However
Linking Words
, In
Use synonyms
Malaysia
Add a comma
Malaysia,
show examples
 the
secound
Correct your spelling
second
 place
was belong
Change the verb form
belonged
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
goods
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, In
Use synonyms
Japan
Add a comma
Japan,
show examples
 housing was slightly higher than transport just one per cent. Yet, In
Malaysia
Use synonyms
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 was slightly lower than
goods
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 pie chart compares five significant categories in
Japn
Correct your spelling
Japan
 and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 In 2010.
It is clear that
Linking Words
, Both in
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 hosing was the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, In
Japan
Use synonyms
 the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
was belong
Wrong verb form
belonged
show examples
 to
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
goods
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
 (%29)
whereas
Linking Words
, In
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 housing
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the highest rate (%34).

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, japan, malaysia, goods, services with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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