IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many companies invest their money in sport games for advertisement purposes. Some people think it's good for the sport world, while others believe that it has some disadvantages. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#companies #money #sport #games #advertisement #purposes #people #world
A lot of businesses spend their money on marketing
sports
 games. People believe is it a good idea
that is
 going to benefit the
sports
 world,
while
 others do not. I think it is a sword with double edges because on the one hand is going to help the firm to be famous, but
on the other hand
, that advertised product might be bad for humans. Using
sports
 to get famous is a smart move.
Sports
 fans play a huge role in
this
 process
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
company's
Correct article usage
the company's
show examples
 logos are going to take place in the field and clothes
therefore
 many people are going to purchase these staff. I think it is a very smart idea because the audience is helping without any extra fee. On the other side, the majority of the products that have been promoted are bad for your health. Recent research published by WHO that 80% of the items that are connected to the
sports
 world are not good. Take
for example
 the power drinks, a lot of people are buying them
while
 they are going to the
sports
 field. Drinking that constantly is going to affect you. In my opinion, if a company is going to use the athletics sector to advertise, it should be something that helps individuals to improve their health , not the opposite. In conclusion, the way that company invests in the
sports
 field has a huge effect
thus
 why some of them become famous after being sponsors of a sport, but it can
also
 be bad if they promote an unhealthy staff.
Submitted by zx00154 on

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Task Achievement
Clarify and expand your introduction by briefly mentioning both sides of the argument and stating your opinion clearly. This sets a clearer expectation for the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your arguments. This will enhance the logical flow and make your points more coherent.
Task Achievement
Support your arguments with more specific examples or evidence. Citing a study is a good start, but providing concrete examples or statistics will make your argument stronger.
Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure to use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to enrich your essay. This will help in expressing your ideas more effectively and make your essay more engaging.
Task Achievement
Conclude your essay with a stronger summary of your points and a restatement of your opinion. This ensures that your position is clear to the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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