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Band 6

In many countries, sports and exercise classes are replaced with academic subjects. What is your opinion? What are the effects on the children in their lives?

#countries #sports #exercise #classes #subjects #effects #children #lives
Nowadays, when our society is in the stage of rapid development, a tendency can be seen that a huge number of schools replace
sports
 lessons with academic classes. It is agreed, that the main cause of
this
 issue is the desire to make
children
 more educated;
however
,
due to
 the lack of physical activities
children
 can suffer from physical
as well as
 mental diseases.
This
 essay,
firstly
,will discuss why some people strongly believe that
this
 decision is beneficial,followed by an analysis of outcomes which can influence
children
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and health.
To begin
 with, our humanity encourages pupils to be involved in the education process by learning academic subjects ,as technological progress requires a clever
future
 generation.
Moreover
, the
future
 incomes of each person depend on their awareness of the particular field of study. To illustrate, doctors or IT staff can be a great example of highly-paid work positions and to be successful in these areas each individual has to be academically educated.
In addition
,
sports
 achievements rarely can be awarded in
future
, because statistics show that a small minority of sportsmen become famous.
On the other hand
, physical activities, whatever they are, have a huge impact on people, especially on
children
 ,because their organism is in the stage of formation.
Furthermore
,
sports
 stimulate brain processes and encourage kids to learn. There are some
evidences
Change the wording
evidence
pieces of evidence
shreds of evidence
show examples
 that prove that
children
 who attend additional
sports
 facultative are more successful than their passive peers.
Also
,
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 as a habit can help to reduce risks of appearance diseases in
future
,
such
 as dementia, cancer and problems with the cardiovascular system to name a few .
Besides
, basketball or volleyball are team-played games,
therefore
 they help to develop communication skills,
as well as
 a strategical way of thinking.
To conclude
,
this
 essay agrees with the idea that it is necessary to be educated in academic fields,
due to
future
 opportunities which depend on
this
knowladge
Correct your spelling
knowledge
;
nevertheless
,
sports
 classes should be provided,since it has a high impact on
children
's health.
Submitted by amina.ilyuk8 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clear thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader
Task Achievement
Introduce more concrete examples and data to support your main points, enhancing the effectiveness of your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain a consistent flow of ideas by improving the logical connections and transitions between paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to create a more engaging and dynamic essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to avoid repetitive phrases and synonyms to enrich your vocabulary and overall expression.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical well-being
  • Healthy growth and development
  • Obesity
  • Diabetes
  • Mental health
  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Social skills
  • Teamwork
  • Leadership
  • Communication
  • Academic performance
  • Concentration
  • Memory
  • Cognitive functions
  • Lifelong habits
  • Balanced lifestyle
  • Holistic development
  • Talent development
  • Athletics
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