IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
In today's world, academic achievements are considered essential for the young generation.
Consequently
, some individuals claim that practical
subjects
 should be omitted from schools' educational plans,
hence
, that kids can concentrate on academic ones. I totally disagree with
this
 argument. In terms of the upsides of practical
skills
, the importance of these
skills
 in adulthood is undeniable. Needless to say, the
future
 lives of
children
 will be surrounded by more practical imperatives. In fact, if non-academic
subjects
 are neglected and the burden on academic
subjects
 increases, the intense negative impact on
children
's
future
 will be considerable and they will not be able to live in society.
For example
, they cannot cook for themselves because they were not prepared for it.
Furthermore
,
this
 can make them more dependent on others.
In addition
 to academic intelligence, there are other intelligences
such
 as social intelligence. Indeed, most of the non-academic
skills
,
such
 as communication, can improve the social IQ of kids.
In other words
, if the main focus of
children
's educational system is on academic
skills
, other imperatives for their independent living will be neglected.
For instance
, we might find a scientist who cannot communicate with others.
Moreover
, educational
subjects
 are always hard to deal with, and it is hard for
children
 to feel educational
subjects
 omnipresent in their lives, so, they can get refreshment by practising soft
skills
while
 preparing for the
future
. In conclusion, I believe that non-academic
skills
 are more important for the
future
 of kids,
hence
, their removal from the educational schedule should not be assumed.
Submitted by ali on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To improve your score, consider integrating more specific examples to support your arguments. While your essay excels in presenting clear, comprehensive ideas, incorporating detailed instances from real life or hypothetical scenarios can enhance the persuasiveness and depth of your response.
Coherence & Cohesion
Focus on enhancing the cohesion of your essay by varying your linking expressions. Although your essay has a logical structure, using a wider range of transitions can better signal relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow.
Coherence & Cohesion
To further your coherence, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is directly supported by subsequent sentences. At times, the essay can benefit from more explicit connections to the central thesis, reinforcing the relevance of each argument to your overall stance.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: