Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. in what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development?
The fourth industrial revolution has created
the
world with many sophisticated Correct article usage
a
communication
technologies; hence
, people
nowadays can communicate instantly even in
a long distance which Change preposition
at
affect
Change the verb form
affects
on
the ease Change preposition
apply
to make
Change preposition
of making
a
Correct article usage
apply
friend
. Fix the agreement mistake
friends
Although
I acknowledge that the aformentioned
phenomenon has some Correct your spelling
aforementioned
shortcoming
(s), I firmly believe that it offers Fix the agreement mistake
shortcomings
more
positive impact(s) Correct article usage
a more
to
(on) human development.
On the one hand, the Change preposition
apply
soar
of Replace the word
soaring
communication
technologies may decrease people
's mental health. Firstly
, when people
do not have any barrier(s) to filter people
in social media
, they will have not
privacy. Correct your spelling
no
For example
, many teenagers in Jakarta are
reported that their photos are spread Verb problem
have
in
social Change preposition
on
media
which make
them Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
stress
. It results in the plunge of their Wrong verb form
stressed
confident
because they get Replace the word
confidence
bully
by their ugly photos. Wrong verb form
bullied
Secondly
, it may make people
addictive
Replace the word
addicted
of
social Change preposition
to
media
. Contra productive
is very considerable as they Add a hyphen
Contra-productive
become
waste their time Verb problem
apply
to communicate
with others (very often).
Change the verb form
communicating
On the other hand
, above-mentioned
issue offers Add an article
the above-mentioned
new
way of how Add an article
a new
people
migle
with each other. Correct your spelling
mingle
People
may sociallize
with their family even though they are far from home. It may increase the relationship among the Correct your spelling
socialise
member
of the family Fix the agreement mistake
members
due to
the constant communication
that they undergo. Thereby, for children(,) it may rise
their love for their parents because they feel intensely loved by (obtaining) giving affirmations. Correct your spelling
raise
Moreover
, for business
(es), they can make online advertisements by summoning Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
people
's (attention) on
their social Change preposition
to
media
accounts. Since social media
allow people
to interact indirectly (,) it is very efficient to call people
by which they can save more time to
other customers.
In conclusion, the advance of Change preposition
with
communication
technology surely have
its own drawbacks and benefits. Even thoughChange the verb form
has
,
it may sink Remove the comma
apply
people
's mental health, I strongly agree that it offers more
advantageous Correct article usage
a more
affect
which can increase human development.Replace the word
effect
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical structure of your paragraphs. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details, and concluded with a sentence that summarises the paragraph’s main idea or connects it to the overall argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are clear and distinct. Your introduction should introduce the topic and outline your main arguments, while your conclusion should summarise your points without introducing new information.
Task Achievement
Use concrete and relevant examples to support your main points. This helps in making your argument more convincing and your essay more insightful.
Task Achievement
Ensure your response thoroughly addresses all parts of the task. It should not only discuss how technology affects relationships but also engage deeply with the positive or negative impact of these changes.
Coherence and Cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and punctuation to avoid simple errors that can detract from the clarity of your message. Consider revising sentences that are overly complex or contain multiple ideas to improve readability.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example