IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

54.Some people believe famous people’s support towards international aid organizations draws the attention to problems, while others think celebrities make the problems less important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #people’s #support #aid #organizations #attention #celebrities
People
 have different views about whether helping a global aid organisation only keeps the focus on problems or makes them unnecessary.
While
 there are some downsides to mitigating the
problem
 with the support of well-known
people
, I believe
this
 approach will help society as a whole. There are a number of reasons why supporting
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous
people
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 the
problem
 more
consideration
Replace the word
considered
show examples
. One possible reason is that the big names have more power and influence in the society.
Therefore
, the community is more likely to give donations when they are called to
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
action by their favourite actors, singers or players.
Besides
,
people
 tend to participate in any kind of social
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 where
celebraties
Correct your spelling
celebrities
 are likely to
joining
Wrong verb form
join
show examples
 or
supporting
Wrong verb form
support
show examples
.
For example
, the government organize a tree plantation program every year all over the country
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Bangladesh before the rainy season where a large number of
people
are participated
Wrong verb form
participate
show examples
 enthusiastically as many famous
people
 are involved in
this
 program. Despite the above arguments, it cannot be denied that
celebrity
 involvement would make the main issue less significant.
Firstly
, more publishing attention may focus on
famous
Correct article usage
a famous
show examples
 person's personal issues and draw consideration away from the
problem
 itself.
Secondly
, in
this
 contemporary society, a group of
indivuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 or companies arrange a lot of so-called charity
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 by
invloving
Correct your spelling
involving
 the
celebrity
 for the
advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
show examples
 of their own interest rather than solving the problems.
For instance
, some foreign company tends to involve the local famous
people
owing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to resolve the
problem
 in Bangladesh.
Although the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 main focus of these companies
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
publish
Fix the infinitive
to publish
show examples
 their name in the media with less investment as electronic and social media always
finds
Correct subject-verb agreement
find
show examples
 the presence of the
celebrity
. In conclusion,
although
 the involvement of well-known
people
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the
problem
 less emergent with some apparent drawbacks, I would argue that for the purposes of
making
Verb problem
drawing
show examples
 global attention
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 major issues, the engagement of
celebrity
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrities
show examples
 is more considerable.
Submitted by faisalmahamood on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and be well-developed.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your essay more convincing and engaging to the reader.
Task Achievement
Develop your arguments further by exploring the positive and negative aspects in more depth. This will provide a more balanced and thorough discussion of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Pay attention to sentence structure and vary your sentence types to improve fluency and cohesion in your writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • international aid organizations
  • draws attention
  • less important
  • famous people
  • celebrities
  • volunteer support
  • overshadow
  • dilute
  • sustainability
  • endorsement
  • genuine
  • advocacy
  • deeper understanding
  • engaged
  • informed base
  • committed
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