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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

#people #money #factors #happiness
In today's world,
money
took
Wrong verb form
takes
show examples
primary
Add an article
a primary
show examples
 role in
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
 life. Plenty of
people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that
money
 is the most important thing to bring
happiness
, but others contend there are a lot of
source
Fix the agreement mistake
sources
show examples
 of
happiness
 out there. Personally, I think that
money
 is not
mandatory
Add an article
a mandatory
show examples
 requirement
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
happieness
Correct your spelling
happiness
 and there is a large number of
beautitude
Correct your spelling
beatitude
 which we can get freely. I acknowledged that
money
 can be
tool
Correct article usage
a tool
show examples
 or catalyst for our
happieness
Correct your spelling
happiness
. We can get
happieness
Correct your spelling
happiness
 with
money
, either
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
show examples
 our
favorite
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favourite
show examples
 stuff or
replace
Wrong verb form
replacing
show examples
 our responsibility. Blessedness
appear
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appears
show examples
 when we bough
thing
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things
show examples
 we like and make a gift for someone we
loved
Wrong verb form
love
show examples
. With
money
 in our
pocket
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pockets
show examples
, we can delegate other
people
 to replace our responsibility.
Money
also
 has
power
Correct article usage
the power
show examples
 to
accelerated
Change the form of the verb
accelerate
show examples
 our business
for instance
 we can cut the
queque
Correct your spelling
queue
cheque
 through the
VIP's
Change noun form
VIP
show examples
 line and pay the toll street.
However
, a large number of stuff can not
pay
Wrong verb form
be paid for
show examples
 with
money
,
such
 as health,
peacefullness
Correct your spelling
peacefulness
, loneliness etc. As we
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 see in the news, many rich
people
 do suicide even
they
Correct word choice
though they
show examples
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a lot of
money
 in their bank account.
Moreover
, plenty of individuals want to give all their
money
 for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
health
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 get it freely. On
another side
Replace the word
the other hand
show examples
, I saw
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
poor
people
 still happy in their bad situation.
Base
Wrong verb form
Based
show examples
 on
this
 condition, I can conclude that
money
 can provide or accelerate our
happiness
 but it is not the only way of
happiness
. There were
another source
Fix the agreement mistake
other sources
show examples
 of
happieness
Correct your spelling
happiness
such
 as
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
, family, and
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
.
However
, the primary source of
happieness
Correct your spelling
happiness
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
grateful
Correct article usage
the grateful
show examples
 feeling of whatever our condition currently.
Submitted by epindonta02 on

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Task Achievement
Be sure to directly answer the prompt in your introduction and more clearly restate your position in the conclusion for stronger task achievement. Explicitly mention all parts of the question to enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
Develop your examples with more detail and specificity to support your main points. This strengthens the argument and makes your essay more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Structure your essay with clear, distinct paragraphs for each main idea. Use transition words to improve flow and connections between your ideas. This enhances coherence and cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid repetition of words and ideas. Find synonyms and rephrase your arguments for variety and to demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary.
Coherence and Cohesion
Check your spelling, grammar, and punctuation carefully. Errors can detract from the clarity of your message and lower your score. Consider practicing specific aspects of English grammar where you notice frequent mistakes.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
What to do next:
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