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Band 5

In many societies in the world, the population is ageing rapidly and this is leading to an unsustainable increase in the cost of public healthcare. A nation’s population should pay for their healthcare provision in the future.

#societies #world #population #cost #healthcare #nation’s #provision #future
Currently,
due to
 the constant ageing of
people
, a lot of
healthcare
 institutions unnaturally increase the cost of their services.
In addition
, in some
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 countries,
people
 overpay to have advanced monitoring for the better results of their well-being.
However
, I ponder that in every country, each individual, regardless of their financial issues, should have access to progressive medicine. Despite plenty of officials arguing that only by paying additional fees society
ought to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
be provided with better
healthcare
 services, some assume that it is unfair to give the privilege to wealthy
people
.
Therefore
, even some governors agree that the principles of communism about equality are much more courteous.
Nevertheless
, other parts of the community repudiate it by maintaining the idea that
people
 who work harder must be treated as superior.
Nonetheless
, when
people
 pay for their medical treatment, it can lead to more efficient allocation of resources;
people
 would be much more cautious and utilize the medical assets only when they are in need.
According to
this
 perspective,
healthcare
 being expensive can be considered an exceptional way to encourage
people
 to take care of themselves and lead a healthy lifestyle.
Thus
, I believe that the government can moderate the situation by analyzing the statistics of the
overall
 population’s demands. The specific government bodies should create
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
particular departments to take control
over
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the problem by educating society on how to treat their well-being.
To conclude
, I reckon that,
although
 free medical care can substantially damage a state’s economic position, governmental organizations must take control
over
Change preposition
of
show examples
 it and contribute to
this
 by making
healthcare
 as cheap as it can be.
Submitted by muradismailbayli on

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Task Achievement
Clarify your stance in the introduction and conclusion. While your essay does engage with the topic, a clearer assertion of your position at the beginning and end would strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. General statements about societal attitudes towards healthcare are made, but concrete instances or data that illustrate these points are lacking. Incorporating these elements would enhance the persuasiveness and relevance of your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical structure by better organizing your paragraphs. Each paragraph should clearly focus on a single main idea, with a topic sentence followed by supporting sentences that develop that idea.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence by making transitions smoother between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using a variety of transition words and phrases that link ideas clearly, showing how they relate to each other.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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