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Writing Samples
Band 5

People today get less sleep than in the past. What is the cause of this? What are the possible effects of this development? Write at least 250 words.

#people #effects #development
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Nowadays
people
 are facing sleep
deprivation
 compared to the past. I would argue that the main reason for
this
 is cutting-edge technologies, and I
also
 believe that
this
 condition can result in being less productive and focused. The advancement of
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
 has some negative effects on our life, including lack of sleep. In the past,
people
 had to interact with each other eye-to-eye,
while
 these days
people
 can communicate remotely using their electronic devices
such
 as handphones, computers and laptops.
Furthermore
, there are some appealing features to engage with families and friends offered by new technologies
such
 as a video call on WhatsApp.
Consequently
,
people
 have to devote the majority of time
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using their gizmos in daily life as communication is a basic need for human beings, resulting in sleep
deprivation
.
Nevertheless
, from my perspective, lack of sleep can lead to a lot of detrimental effects. First and foremost,
people
 who have sleep
deprivation
 might lose their focus since they do not have enough rest. An example of
this
 can be seen recently when some students cannot control their focus in class when they lack sleep.
Secondly
, another possible impact happened is being less productive. Psychologists from Indonesia, Suti and Tasmi, reveal that
people
 who get less sleep tend to possess anxiety and emotional imbalance so they cannot maintain their work properly. In conclusion, I believe that the advancement of technology
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
primary
Add an article
the primary
a primary
show examples
 reason for sleep
deprivation
 among
people
 presently.
Moreover
,
this
 condition can result in disastrous effects on human productivity and focus.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Task Achievement
To improve Task Achievement, try to fully address both parts of the question more comprehensively. Elaborate on each point with more detailed examples and explanations to clearly demonstrate your understanding of the topic and its implications.
Coherence and Cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, focus on developing a more logical flow and structure in your essay. Use a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., nevertheless, furthermore) more effectively to link ideas within and across paragraphs. Additionally, ensure your introduction and conclusion are clearly defined and directly address the essay topic.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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