IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that public health is a the respomsiblities of the government while others think that people should br responsibe for their own health. Discuss both sides and give your opininon

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In
this
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 modern era,
health
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care
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 has been extremely expensive and a number of
people
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 can not afford it.
Therefore
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, the
government
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 should provide
health
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 cards to its citizens. Some
people
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 admire that our
health
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 is our responsibility and we should take
care
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 of it. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both points and discuss my opinion.
To begin
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 with, the
government
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 should open more hospitals with all the facilities at cheaper prices so, that each and everyone would have access. Lately, private
health
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care
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 has been very expensive, and
government
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 hospitals are not organized. These
people
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 being unable to get proper medical treatment on time, will affect the citizens' opinion toward the
government
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's reputation.
Hence
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, public
health
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 is a vital responsibility of the
government
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. For instance, in Europe, citizens are entitled to a free
health
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care
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 system.
On the other hand
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,
health
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 is the most important aspect of our lives, and we should take
care
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 of it. Nowadays, the majority of us are used to maintaining unhealthy lifestyles,
such
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 as bad eating habits not engaging in any physical and gaining less sleep all these habits result in our
health
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. For example, in Western countries, a vast fraction of
people
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 are suffering from gut
health
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 issues, diabetes obesity and various
health
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 problems because of their eating habits.
Moreover
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,
this
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 is an individual choice and they should implement healthier choices and focus on their
health
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.
However
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, there are many Asian countries where citizen are disciplined with a healthy diet and focus more on their
health
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. In conclusion. the
government
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health
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care
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 system will add support to their citizen and should take their own responsibilities to improve their lifestyle.

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Introduction Clarity
Ensure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your opinion. While your introduction slightly addresses this, it could be clearer. Use a thesis statement at the end of the introduction to clearly state your position.
Support and Development
Work on developing your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. While you provide some examples, they could be more directly tied to the argument you are making.
Paragraph Structure
Pay attention to paragraph structure. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea, supported by examples or explanations. At times, your paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences.
Linking and Cohesion
To improve coherence, use a variety of linking phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Consistently using linking phrases will help your essay flow better.
Grammar and Accuracy
Re-read your essay to correct grammatical errors and typos. While your argument can still be understood, errors can distract the reader and impact the clarity of your message.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Healthcare systems
  • Public health campaigns
  • Health regulations
  • Subsidize
  • Vaccinations
  • Lifestyle decisions
  • Preventive measures
  • Balanced diet
  • Collaborative efforts
  • Empower
  • Enhance
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