IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Please outline your plans and strategies for actively participating in local and international communities throughout the IISMA program, and provide some concrete examples.

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In general, my strategy to engage with the local and international
communities
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 is conducting deep research about the available
communities
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 in the universities and
keep
Wrong verb form
keeping
show examples
 in mind that as an
Indonesian
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 student who is studying abroad, it is mandatory for me to portray a good impression
about
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of
show examples
Indonesian
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 students.
Thus
Linking Words
, I want to join an entrepreneurship community and meet people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 have the same enthusiasm in business especially in social-health platforms.
Besides
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 enhancing my viewpoint of business, I can introduce the current development of Indonesia’s health technology platform.
Furthermore
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, I will proudly bring my own business product which is a science-themed toy and explain it as an example of
Indonesian
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 student’s innovation. Henceforth, I aim to join the Startup Community Platform, part of the
University
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 of Edinburgh Innovations for Students. Both Monash
University
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 and
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University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of Auckland
also
Linking Words
 have centralized
university
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 hubs for students
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are interested in entrepreneurship. Thankfully, their contact person for member registration is accessible through their official website so I can eventually
enroll
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enrol
show examples
 once I get accepted
in
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into
show examples
 IISMA.
Nevertheless
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, for cultural exchanges, I plan to embrace the use of Bahasa Indonesia through singing because I have the ability
in playing
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to play
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 musical instruments like guitar and piano. I intend to join student
communities
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such
Linking Words
 as Tandem Language Exchange at The
University
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 of Edinburgh, Bilingualism Matters at Monash
University
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, and Let’s Talk language learning group at
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University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of Auckland. In the learning process, I will divide the club’s members into a group of 4-5, and ask them to perform
Indonesian
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 songs in front of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 peers. I would like to appreciate the best performance by giving them batik fabric so they can know better about
Indonesian
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 culture.
To conclude
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, I believe the most important things in engaging with the
communities
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 are to be friendly, compassionate and warm-hearted. With my previous experience in socializing, I am confident that I am capable of building a close relationship with both local and international
communities
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.

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Improvement Suggestions

5
Introduction Enhancement

Make sure your introduction clearly outlines the key strategies you plan to employ for engaging with local and international communities. This will set a clear expectation for the reader from the start.

Conclusion Strengthening

Develop a stronger conclusion that summarizes your strategies and reinforces the importance of your involvement in these communities. A memorable conclusion will leave a lasting impression on the reader.

Coherence Enhancement

To improve coherence, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This can be achieved through the use of linking words and phrases that guide the reader through your ideas.

Cohesion Strengthening

For better cohesion, try to more explicitly connect your ideas within paragraphs. This includes enhancing the relationship between your strategy and the specific examples you provide.

Task Response Broadening

In the task response, while you provided a good variety of examples and clear plans, enhancing the detail and depth of how these activities will impact the communities can help bolster your argument. Additionally, reflecting on the potential challenges and how you plan to overcome them can provide a more comprehensive view.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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