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Band 5.5

Sport is becoming a business. More and more companies are getting involved in sporting events. Do you thing that is a positive or negative development?

#sport #business #companies #events #development
Nowadays
sport
 is a new field of business and you can see lots of businesses’ and companies’
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
while
 you are watching matches, I personally think
this
 development has both upward and downward side effects. On the one hand, to consider
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 points of
this
 involving, there are several ways for a company to cooperate with a
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 club, the first major help is to be the sponsor of the
team
,
as a result
, a great amount of
money
 is contributed to the club which can improve facilities and provide new equipment for them,
moreover
, either the brand or the name of that company will be printed on athletes’ clothes. Through
this
 cooperation both sides are able to gain many advantages,
for instance
, printed clothes or billboards in the stadium are perfect for new businesses to advertise the brand or their products,
as well as
,
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 managers might be able to enhance their facilities and attract more
sport
 people to the
team
.
On the other hand
, I believe that the downwards of interacting
companies
Change preposition
with companies
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 with sports and investing
money
 in
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 competition
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 might be less than the advantages,
however
, some veterans firmly disagree with involving
this
 amount of
money
 in
Add an article
the sport
show examples
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
, they have mentioned these days,
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 events and tournaments are like an industry,
therefore
,
money
 just matters for players and coaches, unlike the past, players had not been given reasonable salary but they had performed their best.
Hence
, the only negative point of interacting businesses with
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 might be individuals do not pay attention
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
team
 and the fans and the
money
 is the most important thing. In conclusion, I take
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 view that if a company is the sponsor of a
team
, it will be a huge financial assistance to the club, meanwhile, has some bad side effects
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
just focusing on the
money
.
Submitted by Pbaharlou70 on

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task achievement
Effectively address all parts of the task by discussing both positive and negative aspects of the involvement of businesses in sports, however, aim to integrate more specific and varied examples to bolster your arguments.
coherence & cohesion
Your essay maintains a clear and logical structure throughout, which facilitates easy readability. Enhance this by using a wider range of linking words and phrases for smoother transitions between ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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