IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Please elaborate on your current physical and mental health, including any dental or oral treatment, medical interventions, and mental health therapy or counseling.

#health #treatment #interventions #therapy
I am lucky to have grown up in a family prioritising
health
 over anything. My mother taught me about oral hygiene awareness from an early age. Because of that, I never had severe dental issues in my life. She
also
 likes to ensure we have enough fruit and vitamin stocks at home.
Nonetheless
, my father is conscious of the importance of physical activity and always reminds me to exercise regularly in order to maintain my physical condition. In our leisure time, my family likes to train together.
However
, in my early years of medical school, I could not exercise regularly
due to
 the strict academic timetable. Sometimes, I
also
 eat outside and ignore the food’s nutrition. Unfortunately, I caught a gastrointestinal infection right in the week of my clinical skills assessment, which is essential for my grade. It was very stressful, and my stomach really hurt. The doctor’s examination shows I am severely dehydrated and need an intravenous infusion. That was my first time getting an infusion since I have never been hospitalised except in my newborn phase. Eventually, I realised that no matter how busy I am, I must eat nourishing food and not have a sedentary lifestyle. I understand that it contributes to a more peaceful mind and protects against disease. Now, I am in good physical
health
 with regular physical activity. I do not have any chronic illness, nor do I need a daily drug. As for my mental
health
, I never had any problems related to mental and psychological aspects.
However
, I understand the importance of a supportive surrounding environment, including friends and family, to keep my mental
health
 stable.
Therefore
, I always manage to stay in touch with my relatives, even only through a phone call.
In addition
, I manage my stress level with a coping mechanism. When things get complicated, and I feel down, I often take a break for myself and do my hobbies,
such
 as yoga and listening to music. After that, I returned stronger and ready to continue my daily activity.
Submitted by farrandyerza on

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structure
Your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion which are essential for structuring any piece effectively. Consider starting with a brief introduction about your overarching health status before delving into specifics, and conclude with a summary or reflection on the importance of health maintenance in your life.
content
You've done well in providing detailed specifics about your dental, medical, and mental health, as well as your experiences related to each. To enhance task achievement, ensure that each section directly connects back to the prompt more prominently, making your focus on your health status unquestionable.
style
You have a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, as evidenced by the logical flow between your ideas and experiences. To further enrich this, make use of varied linking phrases and transition words to seamlessly connect your thoughts. Additionally, grouping related information more tightly will help maintain focus and flow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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