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Band 5.5

In many countries, there are a lot of students who commit suicide each year. What are the reasons for this? What are the solutions?

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A lot of research and data have mentioned the rise in
suicide
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 rates each year among
students
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 worldwide is increasing. I believe that
to
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for
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 every problem, there must be a solution. The first reason why the numbers keep on shooting upward is because parents and schools tend to put a lot of academic pressure
to
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on
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students
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. As generation passes, the academic burden gets heavier,
for instance
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, more
students
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 are forced to find scholarships outside the country.
Secondly
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, the advancement of technology
also
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 holds a role in the increasing numbers.
This
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 is because cases of cyberbullying have increased linearly, which results in to decrease in mental health, leading to an increase
of
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in
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suicide
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 among
students
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.
Therefore
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 2 solutions that can be offered are as follows.
First, 
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non-academic subjects
such
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 as physical education and art should remain in the curriculum. Not only does it serve as a mood-maker for the
students
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, but by doing a hobby, it will improve their health both, physically and mentally.
Second,
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suicide
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 hotlines should be available in every country as it serves as a prevention. Research shows that not all country has a hotline for
suicide
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, including Indonesia.
This
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 is a great solution
ss
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as
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 doctors always say, it is better to prevent than to cure. In conclusion,
with
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apply
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the advancement of technology and the increased academic burden
in
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on
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students
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, have caused an increase in
suicide
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 numbers globally.
However
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, it is not too late to act, with several solutions in mind, including preventive measures and the addition of a non-academic curriculum.

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Task Response
Ensure your essay addresses all parts of the task. While you have identified reasons and solutions, further development and some elaboration on each point could strengthen your argument.
Task Response
Integrate more specific examples and evidence to support your points. Doing so will not only strengthen your arguments but also show a deeper understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of your ideas. Use transition words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are clear and succinct, summarizing your main arguments effectively. While your essay has these components, refining them will add clarity and impact.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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