IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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With enhanced healthcare facilities, people live longer than in the past.
Although
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 it is true that the increased number of elderly
population
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, brings some drawbacks for governments
this
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 phenomenon has pros and cons. It is my belief that the positive effects of
this
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 occurrence could certainly offset its disadvantages. There are several drawbacks to the growing ageing
population
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. The first one is that the elderly citizen demographic is related to healthcare expenses
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,
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especially for those with low income.
Additionally
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, governments are compelled to allocate a significant amount of money to the infrastructure of old-age homes for those unable to care for themselves
due to
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 age-related illnesses.
Similarly
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, other negative aspects are related to the non-inclusion of
this
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 group in the workforce and expenses of retirement pensions causing funding problems. In spite of these negative effects,
however
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, an increase in
this
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 group’s
population
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 might bring important benefits as well. One obvious advantage is the job prospects in the health sector. Since it leads to an increased demand for healthcare staff, people may hold more esteem towards workers in
this
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 sector.
For
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this
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 reason, with increased salaries,
this
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 sector could contribute to an expansion in Gross Demand Production. From a sentimental perspective, another positive effect is that, in most cases, we can benefit from their experiences and wisdom.
Moreover
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, the fact that in many cases grandparents dedicate themselves to raising their grandchildren, thereby facilitating the ability of parents to work.
To sum up
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,
although
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 it seems to people that an increase in the elderly
population
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 poses challenges for governments.
It is clear that
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,
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apply
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 it has more benefits than disadvantages.

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Task Response
Ensure a clear thesis statement in your introduction to reinforce your stance on the topic. While your introduction mentions the positive effects outweighing the disadvantages, a more defined thesis statement could provide a clearer direction for your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs more effectively. While you've made an effort to use cohesive devices, increasing variety and accuracy can improve the flow and coherence.
Task Response
Include more detailed, relevant examples to support your main points. Your essay would benefit from concrete examples that illustrate the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population, thereby enhancing your argument's persuasiveness.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on developing your paragraphs fully. Each main paragraph should have a clear central idea, followed by detailed support, including examples or explanations. This development will help in achieving a higher score in task achievement and coherence and cohesion.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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