IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Both governments and individuals are spending vast amounts of money protecting animals and their habitat. This money could be better spent dealing with fundamental issues in the society such as poverty and health care. To what extent do you agree?

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Lately, a plethora of topics are being seriously talked about among various individuals and
groups
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, and one prominent topic is funds. There are even
groups
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 or official organizations that invest a lot of money to preserve the habitats of animals,
while
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 others argue those funds should be spent to deal with basic issues. I strongly agree that people and
groups
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 cost money to protect the environment. In the succeeding paragraphs, I am going to discuss perspective
further
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. The first point to emphasize is that environmental problems are a big issue in
this
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 generation as compared with others. It is a common fact that a number of native species are disappearing.
For instance
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, a creek near my parent's house always had a lot of
fish
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 swimming.
Along with
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 time flow, the social economies gradually advanced, the manufactural industries built in the location surrounding the river, the toxic water released into the creek through industrial pipes, and all the
fish
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 disappeared.
Hence
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, pollution
also
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 causes health problems for local residents,
such
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 as cardiac problems, respiratory illnesses, and even chronic diseases. Another idea worth stressing is that we should protect species and their homes, which
also
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 means defending the future of our children. The reason is that humans are a part of the animal chain. To illustrate, marine organizations spend billions of dollars per year to maintain the ocean environment and
fish
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.
Due to
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 the fact that they have noticed more and more ocean species are extinct nowadays, children may only be able to see the
fish
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 in the books and in the pictures if they don't do something to save the environment.
Moreover
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,
this
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 issue not only impacts animals but
also
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 humans. In conclusion, the environmental agenda needs to be at the top of each national congress.
On the other hand
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, individuals and
groups
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 all have a duty to protect our earth.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance and develops arguments, but to improve task achievement, focus on ensuring a more evenly balanced discussion of both sides of the argument, even if you choose to support one side more strongly. This will demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
To enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas, work on elaborating your points further and linking them more explicitly to the question. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea that directly addresses the essay question, supported by detailed examples or further explanation.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure and coherence, with a clear introduction, conclusion, and well-supported main points. To further enhance cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to more smoothly connect your ideas and paragraphs. Also, work on paragraphing so each distinct idea or argument is given its own space for development.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecosystem services
  • ethical imperative
  • conservation
  • natural habitats
  • interconnectedness
  • preclude
  • false dichotomy
  • holistic approaches
  • sustainable development
  • environmental stewardship
  • social welfare
  • poverty alleviation
  • eco-tourism
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